May 20, 2011

That's life I guess

I have changed. In a million and one ways. And finally, I can say that I am happy. Content. I’m okay. I never know how long it will last but I am willing to try and keep it this way and learn everything I can about the state of mind I am in now, if not merely to be able to pull it off again in the future, when I might need it even more.

I wish everyone might feel like I have been feeling lately. Just to be okay. To feel that there is hope, that there is a future for me and that there are great things and great love waiting for me, even if I have no clear idea how to get there... I’m learning every day. And I’m okay with that. I believe. I have hope. I have love to share.

I’ve been going through some strange times lately, I can’t really explain it. Maybe because I don’t know where to begin. I think I’m losing, or perhaps already have lost, two very dear friends of mine. I’m not entirely sure what happened or what I did wrong, if anything, but I feel like it has to go its own way. If they want me in their lives, they will say so. I want them in mine, that’s for sure. They’re my friends. But what do I do? It’s like they’re avoiding me. So yes, in truth, my natural reaction is to leave it alone. To step back. Rejection is a b!tch I guess.

I got in the middle of a relationship fight of one of these friends, all because I wanted to help. I felt guilty because she asked me to do something and I didn’t. I didn’t want to get so deeply involved. When I finally did, it backfired on me. I guess I should’ve just left it. And so I learn things the hard way I guess. Other people’s relationships are none of my business, no matter how much they want to drag me into it. At least I didn’t do anything ridiculous behind anybody’s back or intentionally hurt anybody. I have nothing to be ashamed of. And I’m really, really glad for that. I think that’s what makes me so calm over it all. I miss my friends and I love my friends. I want them to be okay. And if that doesn’t include me, I’m fine with that.

I’m cryptic, aren’t I? Oops.

How did I get to this subject again?

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