May 30, 2011

Drama, Insanity and Friendships

People are high maintenance, I swear.  I'm sure I am, too.  I used to say guys are high maintenance, because lately I've been rather thankful for being single.  It's better to deal with your own sh!t and do it your own way, than to deal with someone else's sh!t as well.  For the first time in over a year, I feel completely alone.  I have no one to run to, no one to send special messages to without seeming weird, no one to talk to at random times, no one to call first when something great or horrible happens.  By 'no one', I mean a guy in my life.  I have friends, but it's just... different somehow.  I'm sure you know what I mean.

Strange thing about all this, is that I'm okay with it.  I know that I need to be alone.  I know that I need to work on myself and I know that I need to find what is right for me.  Truthfully, I can't do that in a relationship.  I don't feel as if I can keep someone else happy while I'm trying my best to figure out my own happiness.  Which by the way I think is important.

Some strange and confusing things have been happening around me lately.  Friends have become strangers and acquaintances have become friends.  I have been hurt, through words, more than ever before.  I have been shocked to the core.  I have tried to help, and I've had it backfire on me.  I've mended friendships and made friendships, but I've also lost friendships.  I've broken promises and I've done things I shouldn't have done.  I'm not the only.

Sh!t Happens.

I'm emotionally tired of people and their drama.  I feel like I want to run away and just get rid of it all.  I know that, figuratively speaking, sticking my head in the ground and hoping it will go away, won't help me much, but hey.. it's worth a shot right?

It feels as if I know too much.  It feels as if I've seen too much.  It feels as if I've shared to much.  It feels as if my idea of love and trust and even sanity have been challenged and tested in the past couple of months and you know what?  It fcuking hurts.  I want it to go away and I want the reasons for it all to go away.  And yes, I realize how selfish that sounds.

It seems as if I've hurt a lot of people with my trying-to-help actions.  It's backfired, badly.  I wish I could make it right again, but I honestly don't think I can.  And lately, I honestly don't think I want to.  Definitely not alone.

Am I talking in riddles again?


michael said...

Oh dear. Well, I can tell you this: You're definitely not alone.

At least, not in your experiences, or in the way you feel. I've broken promises, burned up lifetimes of friendships, and gone to places in my own mind and heart I'd rather not mention... And, in all honesty, I never thought I'd be this tired at eighteen.

You're right about needing alone time. Only alone is it possible to digest life and figure out what's best for oneself. It's not that other people complicate things, but you're a person who can't help but be kind and considerate. Often too kind, too considerate. In the time I've known you, Maryke, you've cared about the feelings of others so much. Sometimes even to the point where you might forget to consider your own.

You hurt because you care. You carry on because you're strong. You've taught yourself to be so extraordinarily loving to others that you've forgotten to show kindness to yourself. And, in my eyes, that's as far away from selfish as you can possibly be.

Take care of yourself, and love will follow. :)

(I mean many things by that... I guess I'm speaking in riddles now, too! Yay!)

Maryx said...

I'm blushing and smiling all at once Michael. Thank you. =)

You're right, scary as it is for me. You read people really well, huh? I love that about you!