Nov 17, 2010

...No, you didn't break my heart. Honey, you completely destroyed it.

I'm trying to keep it together with a smile on my face and my head held high. The truth is, I'm dying... from the inside.  And I have no idea what to do about it.  I have no idea where to start.  I've been building myself from the ground up for months now and he just came and destroyed the whole foundation all over again.

The hardest thing is letting go.  Not because you want to, but because you have to...

I'm letting go of Gerhard.  Again.  This time on his terms.  We have talking and fighting for so long now... over so many things.  It comes down to one thing, although he's not able to see it.  But yes,  it over.  It's done.  Cherry on the cake?  I'm just not enough.  I don't make him happy enough.  He doesn't love me enough.  Wow.  Ouch.  I don't even know how to respond to that.  I don't know because, it's completely the opposite with me.  He makes me more than happy, most of the time.  Especially when he's with me.  I love him... more than enough.  It's hard letting go of someone you saw yourself spending your forever with.  I feel like I've lost a piece of ME.  Not just him, a piece of ME.  A piece of my happiness.  A piece of my sanity.  A piece of my future.  A piece of a my past.  A piece of my BEING.  It's strange... I've never felt this way before.  I've never been this sure of something like this in my life.  And now... it's gone.

I miss his smile, his laugh, his voice, his eyes, and especially his touch, his hugs, his kiss, his everything .  Truth is I don't know the first thing to do to get over him.  Or that I ever will.  But of course, I'll try to be positive.  I'll throw myself into everything else in my life.  I'll... ='(

I learned two very important lessons today.  In a way.  Never trust ANYONE... and I should have put the walls back up while I had the chance.  I think you learn something new every day.  Or that's the way it should be at least.  I feel quite speechless... even though I have so much to say.  I want to say so much.  I want to let it out.  I want to talk.  I want to cry.   I want to die...

I know that's just the heartache talking by the way.  Oh... he thinks blogging is retarded too.  Talking into nothingness, he says.  Nice, huh?  Made me think though... he's not entirely wrong.  Urgh!!!

You know what?  Someday... someone is going to thank him for letting me go.  

(Or so I hope)


King of New York Hacks said...

He would be right if I didn't respond...but he is so very wrong, and the more you write and share, the more you will find you, and forget about him. There is so much that lies ahead...and it is not nothingness. Peace.

Anonymous said...

You're right about letting go. It's the hardest part of any relationship, but it's also the most important. If you keep someone who doesn't love you in your heart for too long, you'll miss out on a lot. You'll miss out on a great deal of life. And I hope you don't abandon your trust in people. Relationships can't grow without trust, and I hope you do open up your heart to people in the future.

Each person you meet in your life will teach you something about the world, and more importantly, something about yourself. Thank the people who have given you a part of their lives and asked for a part of your life in return. And then let them go. Please don't hold hate, or pain, or regret in your heart. Life's too short for that.

You'll begin to realize these things soon enough. But for now, cry. Let it all out. Be sad over the loss of a love.

And then let go.

It may not be easy, and the pain may never go away... but it does get easier with each passing day.

With love,

Vinita Santhosh said...

I know n i can understand well how you are feeling now... but like anyone would say - you have to let go, cry your heart out, write whtever comes into your mind.. dont stop yourself from doing whatver you want to.. but just let go... n then you'll see, a different, beautiful world out there.. something you must be missing cos you didnt take time for those...

all the best my dear.. my prayers are with you always...