I'm not giving up...

I can't give up.  I don't want to give up.  I love him.  I want him in my life.  He's the only one who's ever been able to 'control' me, if I can put it that way.  He's the only one...  He's just the only one...  I'm repeating myself, aren't I?  I feel like I can't talk to anyone because I keep repeating myself.  I feel like people are just so sick of hearing what I have to say, what I feel and what I'm doing.  Especially regarding Gerhard.  It's like a vicious cycle that I'm caught up in... and you know what?  I don't want to leave yet.  I know everyone says I deserve better, I should look for better, they don't think that he's the one for me, they think I deserve more or whatever... guess what - I really couldn't give less of sh!t what you think.  You're not me.  You don't know me.  You don't know US.  You don't know my heart.  You don't know what I want or what makes me happy.

I want to fight this time, I want to get what I want and put my all into it.  I want to try everything I can, work through it, make it better.  If I've tried everything and it doesn't work... maybe then.  But not now.  Not ever if I can help it.  I want to spend my life trying to make him happy.  And I want the same from him.  Am I too young to want this?  Am I too naive to want this?  Am I too inexperienced?  I don't know.  But I can't just sit back and let things control me, let things happen to me.  I want to make things happen.  I want to have a say in my life, my hurt and my love.  I deserve that.

I don't know what the future will hold, I just know that we have a long way to go to be what we want to be.  He needs help, I need help.  We need to help each other.  Sounds strange huh?  I've hurt, a lot, because of him.  But so has he, because of me.  We've done things we shouldn't have done, said things we shouldn't have said... but I don't think it's irreparable.  Do you?  Am I really bullshitting myself by believing in what my heart wants?  Am I really setting myself up for failure?  Because I really don't think so.  I guess that's what love does to a person, huh?  =)

I want this... Please let him feel the same way.