I can't give up. I don't want to give up. I love him. I want him in my life. He's the only one who's ever been able to 'control' me, if I can put it that way. He's the only one... He's just the only one... I'm repeating myself, aren't I? I feel like I can't talk to anyone because I keep repeating myself. I feel like people are just so sick of hearing what I have to say, what I feel and what I'm doing. Especially regarding Gerhard. It's like a vicious cycle that I'm caught up in... and you know what? I don't want to leave yet. I know everyone says I deserve better, I should look for better, they don't think that he's the one for me, they think I deserve more or whatever... guess what - I really couldn't give less of sh!t what you think. You're not me. You don't know me. You don't know US. You don't know my heart. You don't know what I want or what makes me happy.
I want to fight this time, I want to get what I want and put my all into it. I want to try everything I can, work through it, make it better. If I've tried everything and it doesn't work... maybe then. But not now. Not ever if I can help it. I want to spend my life trying to make him happy. And I want the same from him. Am I too young to want this? Am I too naive to want this? Am I too inexperienced? I don't know. But I can't just sit back and let things control me, let things happen to me. I want to make things happen. I want to have a say in my life, my hurt and my love. I deserve that.
I don't know what the future will hold, I just know that we have a long way to go to be what we want to be. He needs help, I need help. We need to help each other. Sounds strange huh? I've hurt, a lot, because of him. But so has he, because of me. We've done things we shouldn't have done, said things we shouldn't have said... but I don't think it's irreparable. Do you? Am I really bullshitting myself by believing in what my heart wants? Am I really setting myself up for failure? Because I really don't think so. I guess that's what love does to a person, huh? =)
I want this... Please let him feel the same way.