Mega Ramblings!: November 2010

Nov 30, 2010

Small pleasures in life. People who makes asses of themselves. My friends. My family. My cats. Visiting the farm. Making the most of my arts and crafts. Making the most of my sketching talents. New adventures. Nature. Cuddling. Making things happen.

There are too many things to list... to many things to think of at once. Appreciating the small things are so important to me, although there are some times I have to try harder than others. There are times I have trouble letting go of the bad things, the things that hurt so very much, the things that destroy me and make me sad... But I try. I try really hard. I might have to try harder.

There are so many things to smile about!

Thought Question #24

Without a doubt, Yes. I have this saying... If you hurt someone I love, you can be sure that I will hunt you down and probably kill your sorry ass. They can book me cell, it's okay. But it won't stop me from doing it anyway. My greatest fear is losing someone I love...

Things I didn't know about Me

Apparently I am a very difficult person to live/work with. Apparently I am unapproachable. Apparently I am a cold, heartless ice-queen. Apparently I have a dark, twisted, dry and sarcastic sense of humor. Apparently I am cold and too professional. Apparently I am scary.

Wait. What?!

I hear that from the people I work with. How do you respond to that? I thought about it long and hard. I tried understanding. I tried picturing myself being all these things, but it doesn't add up. It's definitely someone else they're talking about... but no, they said it to my face. And so you learn something new every day...

I've asked a couple of my friends to give me their opinions about it. Everyone disagrees. Some agree with the sense of humor, a bit. But, they get it. They don't mind it. That's just how they know me. That's what makes me... ME. Part of it, anyway.

Shrek was right after all... People are like onions, we have so many different layers. There are things we don't know about ourselves, that other people might be able to tell us. Then there are also things that people think about us, that aren't necessarily true, but that we seem to project to them without knowing it. There are things that we don't tell just anybody, if we even tell anybody about them. There are things that are so deeply private, so hidden between the sheets of our souls, that we don't even realize it ourselves. But then sometimes... they come out to bite us in the ass.

Every time I think I know myself relatively well, I learn something new. I guess it's a good thing. I'm clearly not boring. But then... I'm also, clearly, quite complicated. And in the end, that complicates my life. In more ways than I can explain...

Thought Question #23

Probably way older than I really am... have you noticed how long some days, weeks, months or years can feel? Unbelievable!

Nov 29, 2010

What TV show do you wish would go off the air for good?

Days of Our Lives. Bold and the Beautiful. Generations. Isidingo. Egoli. Quite a few others I can't recall now...

Ask me anything

What would be the best thing about being a vampire?

Never needing to sleep. If that's even possible. (More time! Although I LOVE my sleep...)

Ask me anything

If you had to cook dinner for someone tonight, what would you make?

On short notice? A pasta and/or mince dish. Or meat with rice and a fresh salad.

Ask me anything

What's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten?

Seafood...

Ask me anything

Do you believe in ghosts?

I believe they exist yes. I just don't want to open my world up to them. I don't believe in seeing them I guess.

Ask me anything

If you were stranded on a desert island, which one person would you bring with you?

Wow... what a difficult question... Gerhard probably. Or Grietjie, my best friend.

Ask me anything

What is your favorite thing to do on a rainy day?

Cuddle!!!! Oh and read! And watching movies! And of course... lots and lots of TLC...

Ask me anything

How many times have you fallen in love?

Honestly, I'd have to say 6 times. I don't regret one of them, I learned so much from each of them.

Ask me anything

Is there anything in your life that you regret?

Yes. There are some things. But I don't think it's really necessary to regret them that much because I believe everything happens for a reason... I might not be the same person today if it wasn't for those things.

Ask me anything

Nov 23, 2010

I'm not giving up...

I can't give up. I don't want to give up. I love him. I want him in my life. He's the only one who's ever been able to 'control' me, if I can put it that way. He's the only one... He's just the only one... I'm repeating myself, aren't I? I feel like I can't talk to anyone because I keep repeating myself. I feel like people are just so sick of hearing what I have to say, what I feel and what I'm doing. Especially regarding Gerhard. It's like a vicious cycle that I'm caught up in... and you know what? I don't want to leave yet. I know everyone says I deserve better, I should look for better, they don't think that he's the one for me, they think I deserve more or whatever... guess what - I really couldn't give less of sh!t what you think. You're not me. You don't know me. You don't know US. You don't know my heart. You don't know what I want or what makes me happy.

I want to fight this time, I want to get what I want and put my all into it. I want to try everything I can, work through it, make it better. If I've tried everything and it doesn't work... maybe then. But not now. Not ever if I can help it. I want to spend my life trying to make him happy. And I want the same from him. Am I too young to want this? Am I too naive to want this? Am I too inexperienced? I don't know. But I can't just sit back and let things control me, let things happen to me. I want to make things happen. I want to have a say in my life, my hurt and my love. I deserve that.

I don't know what the future will hold, I just know that we have a long way to go to be what we want to be. He needs help, I need help. We need to help each other. Sounds strange huh? I've hurt, a lot, because of him. But so has he, because of me. We've done things we shouldn't have done, said things we shouldn't have said... but I don't think it's irreparable. Do you? Am I really bullshitting myself by believing in what my heart wants? Am I really setting myself up for failure? Because I really don't think so. I guess that's what love does to a person, huh? =)

I want this... Please let him feel the same way.

Nov 22, 2010

Thought Question #22

Wow, what a question. It could be interpreted in so many different ways... I could interpret it in the sense of love, career and moral choices in life.

How would you interpret and answer it?

Thought Question #21

If I could choose... I'd say Family.

Thought Question #20

Living in South Africa... I am well aware of the fact. I know it's not about where you live though, it's everywhere. It's all around me. I hear it on the news, I read about it, I see it. I'm extremely blessed in my life, even though I can complain sometimes. I have so much to be grateful for. So many of us do... I mean, you have a computer, or a cellphone, and you're reading this. That's already a lot!

I do wish more people would be grateful for the small things ...

Nov 19, 2010

Quote

Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others, it is because we are different that each of us is special. Don't set your goals by what other people deem important, only you know what is best for you.

Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart, cling to that as you would your life, for without them life is meaningless. Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or the future, by living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.

Don't give up when you still have something to give, nothing is really over... until the moment you stop trying. Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect, it is the fragile thread that binds us to each other.

Don't be afraid to encounter risks, it is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave. Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find, the quickest way to receive love is to give love.

The fastest way to lose love is to hold on too tightly, and the best way to keep love is to give it wings. Don't dismiss your dream. To be without dreams is to be without hope.

To be without hope, is to be without purpose. Don't run through life so fast that you forget where you've bee, but also know where you're going.

Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored every step of the way.

Nov 17, 2010

...No, you didn't break my heart. Honey, you completely destroyed it.

I'm trying to keep it together with a smile on my face and my head held high. The truth is, I'm dying... from the inside. And I have no idea what to do about it. I have no idea where to start. I've been building myself from the ground up for months now and he just came and destroyed the whole foundation all over again.

The hardest thing is letting go. Not because you want to, but because you have to...

I'm letting go of Gerhard. Again. This time on his terms. We have talking and fighting for so long now... over so many things. It comes down to one thing, although he's not able to see it. But yes, it over. It's done. Cherry on the cake? I'm just not enough. I don't make him happy enough. He doesn't love me enough. Wow. Ouch. I don't even know how to respond to that. I don't know because, it's completely the opposite with me. He makes me more than happy, most of the time. Especially when he's with me. I love him... more than enough. It's hard letting go of someone you saw yourself spending your forever with. I feel like I've lost a piece of ME. Not just him, a piece of ME. A piece of my happiness. A piece of my sanity. A piece of my future. A piece of a my past. A piece of my BEING. It's strange... I've never felt this way before. I've never been this sure of something like this in my life. And now... it's gone.

I miss his smile, his laugh, his voice, his eyes, and especially his touch, his hugs, his kiss, his everything . Truth is I don't know the first thing to do to get over him. Or that I ever will. But of course, I'll try to be positive. I'll throw myself into everything else in my life. I'll... ='(

I learned two very important lessons today. In a way. Never trust ANYONE... and I should have put the walls back up while I had the chance. I think you learn something new every day. Or that's the way it should be at least. I feel quite speechless... even though I have so much to say. I want to say so much. I want to let it out. I want to talk. I want to cry. I want to die...

I know that's just the heartache talking by the way. Oh... he thinks blogging is retarded too. Talking into nothingness, he says. Nice, huh? Made me think though... he's not entirely wrong. Urgh!!!

You know what? Someday... someone is going to thank him for letting me go.

(Or so I hope)

Nov 11, 2010

I can't stop crying

I don't want to exist

I feel like this today. I just want to curl up into a little ball and wish it all away. I want to go to my happy place... but my happy place is the same thing I'm running away from today. (Except for the ocean of course). Am I making any sense? I didn't think so...

My heart is breaking for the second time this year, because of the same person. I can't believe I let this happen. I can't believe I was stupid enough to let myself go. Even though I knew, and still know, that it's exactly what I want. I know how he makes me feel and how he claims that I make him feel. I know what I want and I'm so glad that I finally came to realize it. But now... I want to turn around and run away. I realize how much it will hurt me, I realize how much I will cry and break, all over again. But honestly... I want to run. I want to get away from it all. (I want to run to him. But it won't help.)

He wants time. He wants us to get to know each other. He's not ready for a relationship. He doesn't want a relationship. But he wants sex, of course. He wants time spent together. He wants loving words and anecdotes. He wants affection and love.

I don't know how to allow myself all of that without, which I've already done unfortunately, falling for him really, really hard. And guess what - he wasn't there to catch me. He didn't even know I was falling, so he says. He didn't even know what he did to me. He's scared...

Scared of what?! He's the one who broke my heart! He's the one who left me for better tidings! He's the one who couldn't commit to me! I should be the scared one!! And I've been scared... for so long after all that happened. I've been confused, terrified and lost. All because of him. Well, mostly because of him. But now... I've let myself go. I've let myself give in to what my heart wants. And he let me. He encouraged me. WHY?!

It was a bad idea, clearly.

Nov 10, 2010

Yes I watch Vampire Diaries... Hahahahaha

(Plus they're hot... !!)

Thoughtful Question #19

There are quite a few things I could think of under this question... I would regret not being the best friend. I would regret not being the best girlfriend, the best wife, the best mother, the best lover. I know you can't expect to be the best, or expect to be perfect, but I want to be the best I can possibly be. I want to do things to my full potential. I don't want to let people down, whilst still holding on to my own identity and way of doing things.

I want to experience things first hand. I want to explore. I want adventure. I want to learn new things and see beautiful things. I want a sensory overload and I want peace.

I just had a fleeting thought about the kiddie movie called UP... She wanted adventure, that she never got. But she was never disappointed or upset about it, because her life was enough of an adventure just being with him. That will do. Really, that will do. Happiness and love is never regretted. I want a full life. I want to do things and strive for things. I don't want to regret.

I want to spend time with my loved ones, so I won't regret not doing it when they're gone. I want to speak my mind and tell people how I feel, so I won't bottle it up and explode, only to regret it later. I want to go places I've never been, see things I've never seen. I want to experience it with someone I love. I want to follow my love of art, so I won't regret never even trying. I want to study hard, so I won't regret bad grades. I want to make my family proud and make them happy, so I won't regret not doing enough. I want to mean something to someone...

What would you regret?

Insecurities

The past affected me in more ways than I realized. I have insecurities and fears born from things that happened. Unnecessary things. Random things. I have this new found happiness with Gerhard because I finally found it in me to let go of the things of the past. To forgive. But now... there are suddenly new things that I haven't thought of in so long, that really, really bothers me. I know I have to get over it. I know it's nothing to worry about. But I can't help feeling the way I do.

I thought my friend and I shared a very honest friendship, where I can tell her how I feel and she won't overreact like everyone else. But she did. I'm shocked and hurt. I'm sure she is too. I asked her not to contact Gerhard again, because I don't want repeats from the past. I don't want it from her or any of my other friends. It's not just aimed at her, I just thought I could tell her openly and honestly and she wouldn't flip, like everyone else. But she did. I'm not sure I understand. I'm not sure how to react.

I told her I'm not mad at her. I said Thank You for making the effort of talking to Gerhard and making peace with him. I told her how much I appreciate what she did. I just didn't like... all of it. The big picture. I don't like things happening behind my back like that. That was our downfall. I really don't want a repeat of that. I wasn't being mean or mad by telling her how I feel, I just thought I should talk before I bottle it up again. Like I have before.

Maybe I should just learn to keep things to myself more often...