Jun 2, 2011

Future? What future?

I worry about my future almost constantly. Why do you think I have so many distractions? It's almost ridiculous. I want to study, but I don't know what. I'm so unsure about it that it scares me. I can kick my own arse that I haven't started yet. I regret not being able to study full-time, it makes it really hard for me. I have a lot of trouble taking the money from my family for studying, because I'm so scared I disappoint them. I'm so scared that I don't make it, that I don't make them proud. I'm scared that I'll waste their money, again. The pressure scares. Making major decisions like that scares me. I know I should be making them myself. I know I should be able to know what I want to do with me... and I thought I did. But I'm so confused and unsure. I think it's because I'm listening to other people and not to my heart. To myself. What I want and see for myself... I've written about it before, I've talked about and I've had fights about it. Maybe it's just not in the cards for me? Or maybe just not now, or anytime soon. There is just so much I want to do and so much I want to learn that I don't know where to start. It's rather overwhelming. And I hate the pressure and the stress. I'm not ready. And I'm at a loss. Lost. I wish they could realize that, 'cause I'm so tired of talking and hoping. And being disappointed.


michael said...

I think I'm a bit young to know anything, but I think life's a little short to do something you don't enjoy doing. And I'm sure your family thinks the world of you, and would be proud just to see you and know you're happy.

Planning and thinking about things are good things to do, but every journey begins with a single step. You don't have to dive right into something, but there's nothing wrong with testing the waters and learning little by little.

That being said, I'm sure you'll make the decision that's best for you. The people who love you most believe in you. I hope you do, too.

I don't know what your future holds, but I'm sure it's something amazing. :)

JUST ME said...

Other people will never know what's really going on inside you. Take a breath, maybe a short vacation, and then meditate for a little bit each day. Ask your higher self what you want. It changes all the time, but there can be clarity there...don't be afraid to ask, and don't be afraid of the answer. :)