I don't understand. Again. Still. I don't understand. I don't understand what I did to deserve how she treated me. I don't understand how she changed so much. I'm flabbergasted. I'm shocked. I'm... hurting.
After all she's done, she invited myself and another friend for coffee at her place. She sent us a very short and sweet SMS inviting us. I was shocked. At first. I really had to think about it. After the way she handled the last 2 months or so, I didn't know how I could handle coffee and small talk with her. When what I really want to do is shake her by her shoulders and ask her "WTF?! I don't understand?!". It took me a day or so but I answered her on behalf of myself and the other friend. We'll be there. Please send directions. She replied with a blunt email containing only the directions to her place. Okay fine. I can... handle that. No feeling. No emotion. No excitement to see us. Nothing of the sort. But... I can handle that. Right?!
JM (other friend) phones me 2 hours before our 'coffee date'. Informs me that I'm not the only one who noticed how cold and forced she made it sound. JM canceled our 'coffee date', from the both of us, as I was too scared (of myself) to go without her.
Without thinking twice (or thinking that she canceled on us a couple of times) we get an SMS back saying that she should have expected this because we didn't bother visiting her for the last month, why would she think we would make an effort to visit her now. Urm... I don't know... Maybe because you forbid us to see you for more than a month? We, unlike you with us, actually wanted to spend time with you.
I was so shocked and flabbergasted by her outburst that I gave her a call myself and asked her if she wanted me to come over for coffee. Then I would make the 'effort', as she so nicely put it. Her reaction? She started yelling at me. She started fighting me. I just got quiet and told her that I don't want to fight, but she carried on. Relentless. And slammed the phone down in my ear. How you slam a cellphone down I really don't know, but she succeeded.
I cracked. I cried. I screamed inside of me. I don't understand?!?!?!
What did I do to deserve this?! After all that she's done I have forgiven her. After all the hurt she caused me and after just plainly not being there as a friend.. I have forgiven her. What I did in comparison?! I don't think it compares.
I miss my friend. I've been missing her for a long time now. But I truly hope she is happy with her boyfriend. For a long time to come. I hope, for her, that her boyfriend can give her everything her heart desires. And even that he will be a good replacement for her friends. I hope that they are happy and well taken care of.
But I also hope she won't put me through all of this again.