Jun 10, 2010

I think I need Help...

Don't you ever give up?! Don't you see that it's soooooo over between us?! Don't you realize that you've done enough? You've complicated my life. You've broken my heart and you've upset the whole inner balance thing that I thought I had going, at some point. You screwed up. You lost me.

I asked Gerhard to leave me alone. I told him that he has to come to terms with the fact that there is no future for us. I don't trust him. At all. I don't respect him. At all. I don't find him attractive. Anymore. I can't seem to forgive and forget and I don't love him. Enough.

He did so much to try and amend what he did to me. He bought me things. He took me places. He made effort for me. He tried to make my life easier and he tried to make me a happier person. He changed, for me. I realize all of this... but it doesn't erase what he did to me. It doesn't erase that he tore me apart. I feel damaged. Bruised. Scared. I feel as if I've lost my will to live and my will to love. I can almost dare to say that I've lost my faith in love. That I'm doubting its existence... But I know it exists. I see it all around me. I see it in my friends. In my family. I see the love they give me and the love they give each other. I feel the love I have for them. It has to exist, right? But love between a man and a woman? I don't know anymore. I know it's there, as I said. I just don't know if it's there for me.

I can't believe I let him do this to me. For one. I can't believe I gave him 100% and he didn't give it back... until it was too late. I'm not second best. I deserve to be first. I deserve to be the only one. I deserve respect. Love. Attention. I know I do. If I can give it out, why can't I receive it back?

Fail after fail after fail. Why am I not good enough?! What did I do wrong?! And why do I have to kiss so many frogs to find my prince?? Maybe I should give up on the damn prince and find myself a nice frog to love? Haha! I don't know anymore. I see myself growing old with my cat. At least he loves and accepts me. I hope.
I try so hard not to be negative. I see the positive in everything and cheer other people up so easily. But, I go about my daily life and I try my best to get through everything and be there for everyone and do everything I want to and need to do... without falling apart. I feel like I'm throwing a pity party and I don't even realize it. And you should know - I hate pity parties! I can't stand feeling this way, yet I can't seem to find the words to express myself.

Did Gerhard do this? Did Nicolas do this? Did Maritz do this? Did any of them do this?! I don't think so. They contributed, yes. They escalated it, yes. But I know the fault lies with me. I know I can deal with it all and I can get through anything.

I just feel like... I need help.

Maybe I do?

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