Jun 11, 2010

Just maybe...

So he found me. Whoop-dee-fcuking-doo. Gerhard found my blog... Good thing? Bad thing? I don't know. I'm honest on my blog. To the point of no return. So it should be a good thing, don't you think? It might be good for him to read what I have to say.

H
e sent me a message this morning. Yes, he still hasn't stopped. At the end of the message, he mentions that he now kn
ows everything and that he has no words. I phoned him. Yes, I know. Stupid me. Turns out he found my little Mega Ramblings space. Whatever. I hope he reads it all. Maybe he learns something. Oh, turns out he created his own blog too. Good for him. I'm really, actually, glad for him. I think it will help him. Talking about your feelings helps. Even if you're talking into outer space. Writing it down... helps. Bit by bit. But it does.

I
asked him to please stop what he is doing. He doesn't want to give up. He is so sure that we are meant to be together. Why couldn't he have been so sure from the beginning?! He has changed. A lot. I don't know if I like it though. I just know it's a good thing. A very good thing - for him. I told him that he doesn't make me happy. I told that he upsets me and makes me unhappy
. It's true. It's actually scary how true it is. I need him to leave me be. I can't go on with my life and deal with what he did to me if he keeps coming back, wanting to make me happy and trying to 'win me back' in one way or another. I'm not a prize. He wants to start over. From day one. So easy for him to say... not so much for me. And he doesn't get it!!

I
n the end, he says he wants me to be happy, even if he has to break contact with me. What he doesn't get is... I'm not going to be happy. For a long time to come. Thanks to
him. Maybe I don't want to be. Maybe I can't. Maybe I know myself too well and that's what I predict. But maybe, just maybe.. I don't know myself at all and I will finally be okay. Without him. I will finally be able to pick myself up and look the world squarely in the eyes again. Just maybe...

Cheers! *To Hoping.. and a new beginning*

2 comments:

Jenn(ifer) said...

Ohh hunny! I'm here if you need anything. I'm always worried I'll "be found" but other times I could care less.
We can't stop or hide our feelings.

Maryx said...

You're right. Of course.
But... he's just making things complicated. He's just upsetting me. I might be going to extremes and starting over somewhere else...