Aug 17, 2011

Finding My Faith

As I've said before, my life has been going through some changes.  Big changes.  Another big change in my life has been my faith.  My religion.  I know it's not a big subject to talk about because everyone religion is different and every person's faith therein is different.  Every person has a different opinion and every person has their wounds and happiness regarding their faith, including myself.

Before this year, I hadn't been in a church in ages, and if I was then it wasn't for the right reasons.  To be totally honest, I got distracted by life.  I got distracted by the wrong things and the wrong people.  I got distracted by love.  I got distracted by the hurt and the heartache.  I got distracted by the pain of the world and the pain that I carried within myself.  I thought, just like so many out there, that God and Christianity can't actually be all that.  I fought against myself and I fought against God, I fought against my family and I fought against the church.  There was so many things I couldn't understand, and so many things were far from fair, in the world in general, as well as in my life.

I asked questions like - How could I serve and believe in a God that took away my grandfather?  How could I trust a God who took away my two-year-old niece?  How could one 'person', one 'being', create a whole world and look after every single one of us?  What does it matter if I read the scriptures?  What will it tell me apart from the stories from my childhood and about all the wrong I'm doing in my life?  What does it matter if I pray?  I don't even know how.    Why does God allow heartache, pain and destruction?  Why does God allow families to be ripped apart, people to be murdered and children to be raped?  If he has so much power, why do bad things happen?  Why are there bad people like so many we hear about on the news and through people?  If he has so much power and love, why doesn't he create a Utopia?  Why doesn't He do something about any of it?

I had millions and millions of questions, none of which could be answered by anyone, but Him.

I used to feel very uncomfortable talking about religion, I guess it was because I knew I didn't have a relationship with God.  I'm not exactly comfortable, yet, but it's getting better.  I feel so blessed, with the amount of things God has done for me, in my life.  Recently, a lot of things have been going better, I have been feeling happier and more relaxed, and I have shared things with people and with God, that I never though possible.
Don't get me wrong, it's not easy going.  I have already gone off the path, and I regret it, but I know that if I talk to God, if I pray about and give my worries and my troubles to Him, He will take care of it.  It's hard though, trusting in something that will only make sense in reverse...  it's not easy, at all.  But I try, and I think that's one of the most important things.  I try, every single day.

I have a friend, who I have to thank for bringing back my faith, she is patient, kind and inviting.  She didn't force anything on me or tell me constantly what I was doing wrong or whatever, she shared her faith with me, whilst talking about herself and her experiences.  I don't really know how to explain it, but she was the first person to approach me in the right way, to let me make my own decisions and to give me space to do it on my own, in my own time.

Nobody can force it on you, I know that from experience, but I do wish for more people to have the blessings and the happiness that I have experienced since I've turned back to God.  And yes, I'm sure the world would be a better place...  But hey, it won't happen overnight.

So whatever your God, whatever your religion... I hope you find it.  And I hope you respect mine in return.  I am trying, everyday, and I want to do it right.  From living my life, to living my relationships with people, especially my love relationship, to sharing it with whomever I can.  I guess we can only see where this goes...


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