I was a donkey in my past life.
I'm pretty sure of it.
I keep hitting my head against a wall.
And that wall even has a name.
I'm a nice person, I know that. But sh!t, sometimes I wish that I could just be more selfish and less nice. I sometimes wish I could think of myself a bit more than of others. I wish I could just slap myself senseless and ask myself WTF were you thinking. On more than one occasion. In more than one situation.
Can I tell you what I was thinking when Gerhard came back to me and asked that we start over and work things out? I was scared. I was scared beyond measure. I had my common sense (the one I should take a lot more seriously) screaming in my one ear, telling me not to go there, asking me what the hell I'm doing and confirming that it's not in my best interest. In the other ear, I had this hopelessly romantic nice voice, sighing things about love and forgiveness in my other ear. He tried. He tried really hard. I know that. I know he's changed. I know he is more blunt and straightforward than he used to be. He says he's more honest and open than he used to be. He says he loves me and that's the real reason he came back to me. He said a lot of things, and I listened.
I thought I could give it a shot. See if it's for real. Why? Because I love him. There's no doubt in me about that. I do. I love him. Sure, it's something I can't control. It's just there. But sometimes, like now, I want to kick myself for it. I actually wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe that he had changed. I wanted to believe that when he said he thought it through long and hard and he knows what he wants and that it's me and only me, that he also knew it included my whole package, my whole personality, and all the issues that come with me. Most of which comes from him and our past together.
But now, after the sh!t hit the fan yesterday, he's not so sure anymore. He thought I had changed. And what made him think so? My body language. What a strange thing to say...
I'm exhausted, and a little hurt. The walls that he has succeeded in chipping away at, slowly, are sure as hell reinforced now. A lot better than before. He's still talking to me. He's still deciding if he can handle me. The whole me. As far as I know. Something in me already knows the outcome of his 'decision'. I told him this last night, too. I think he has disappointed and hurt me one too many times... I keep expecting the worst from him, even if I hope for the best. And he never disappoints with that one. It's horrible to say and it hurts him, I know that, but it's the truth. It's the reality of him.
To put the cherry on the cake, he played a horrible April Fool's 'joke' on me and texted me that he did, in fact, impregnate his ex-girlfriend (the same one who asked him to do it, long after they dated) and that he hopes I'm not angry. Well, no. I'm not angry. I'm disgusted and I'm disappointed and I'm hurt. I'm more angry with myself than with him, to be honest. And as you may have guessed, his joke backfired, badly, and I didn't find it at all amusing. And I never will.
I had a slight screaming fit, throwing things around and yelling at myself in my empty house this morning, with no one to hear me. But now I feel better. I was stupid, as I've been before. But it's okay, so I learn, so I carry on and so I grow stronger. I can take the bad or the good from this endless situation I've found myself in... and yes, I choose the good. I am better than this.
What bothers me more than the situation though, is the things he has been saying to me, that I'm really struggling with, to be honest. It turns out he feels like he's been walking on eggshells around me. He thinks that I have double standards. That when he does something wrong it's an issue but when I do something wrong, it's supposed to be nothing, to just be accepted. I disagree, of course, but it's really gotten me thinking about things and situations. After thinking it through, I still didn't see his reasoning. Am I blind or stupid or something that I'm missing something so apparently obvious about myself?
He thinks that I can't handle being wrong, and it got me thinking. Whenever I've been wrong, or a lot of the times, even though I don't think I was wrong, I just said it wrong or was misunderstood - I apologize. And I mean it. If he thinks he's right, no matter how horrible he put it, he refuses to apologize. I don't think that's right. He thinks it's perfectly normal. Which in turn... makes me perfectly unhappy.
Please tell me how do you happy couples out there handle such vast differences in opinions?
Another thing is.. he wants to just wipe the past from our 'relationship'. He wants to make it disappear from my memory or something. He wants me to just get over it and be okay with it, after we 'talked' about it. I'm sorry, but that's just not me. The past shaped me. The past shaped my emotions and the way I view a lot of things and situations. If it wasn't for the past I wouldn't be the person I am today. But also, if it wasn't for the past and what he put me through, I wouldn't have the insecurities I have today, I wouldn't be having trouble with trust, I wouldn't be so damaged. Don't get me wrong, I have been through quite a bit before he came into my life, but not nearly as much, or as hectic.
He makes it seem like he had nothing to do with the way I've turned out, but he did. He turns things around and makes it my fault... when I can't see how it is. And I've tried seeing how it could be my fault, I really have! When I ask him to explain to me what I've done wrong or how it is my fault, he can't. I've thought about how I could treat him differently, work on things from my side, do better, care more, text him more and phone him more, visit him more and be more excited about things with him. And I've done those things. I've tried. I've tried over and over again to put the past behind me and not let it bother me, but then he does something that brings it up in my mind, that hurts me, and I automatically think about how it has happened before, or how something could turn out like it has before. He hasn't even proven me wrong yet. And that's scary...
I know I shouldn't be asking this... but what am I doing wrong? Why am I not good enough to handle? Why am I not... enough?
Why isn't he?