What am I doing wrong?!

I don't understand why you're angry with me. I don't understand why you just don't want to talk to me. I also don't understand what you're going through right now. I have no idea how to handle it because I don't get it. I don't understand how you can be SO in love that you completely lose yourself in it. I don't understand how that person can be your absolute EVERYTHING. I don't understand why you have no need for me in your life anymore. I don't understand what happened. Go ahead and call it jealousy. I don't care. But according to me I have nothing to be jealous of. I'm so very, very happy for you, and your happiness means the world to me. I would never want anything to change that for you...

I just... don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to make a plan to visit me or see me. Am I that horrible a person? I miss you. I really, really miss you. I miss drinking coffee with you and sharing stories. I miss the girlie giggles and my attempts at giving advice.. or asking for it. I miss your laughter and your sordid jokes. You're my friend. And I love you.

All I want is for you to be happy. Meanwhile I am going through a really rough time and I feel like I need to talk to you.. But suddenly, you're just not there anymore. I invite you over time and again and all you can do is tell me you're too busy with your boyfriend. I get that. So I leave it. It's okay. It makes you happy and that's what you want to do. Anyway, even when you do come to visit, it's clear as daylight that you'd rather be with him. Not me. Not us. Him. And that's okay. You love him. He loves you. Happiness is in the air. And that's how it should be. Because that's what you deserve. And more.

But please... don't judge me or get angry with me if I feel I have to stay away. Here I thought I was doing the right thing.. but meanwhile I'm holding in all my feelings and the day I share some of those feelings with you, you get angry with me. I don't understand! You find it strange that I don't have the freedom to talk to you anymore? You find it strange that I think you changed? You find it strange that I'm trying to live my own life and deal with my own stuff without you because you have a boyfriend now?

It's not that strange. I assure you. It's called love. Friendship. Or the love that I try my best to show. But it seems I'm failing at it. It seems I'm failing at being a friend because when I need you I don't come crawling after you. . . not wanting to spoil your happiness. It's not like you care. Well, I guess you care but you just don't show it anymore. When was the last time you asked me how I'm doing? When was the last time you cared to listen what I was saying? What I was feeling? A while back. That's when.

Best is I won't say these things to you because I've grown scared of you. I've noticed that when I keep my mouth shut and just accept it all, then you're okay. You're friendly on the rare occasions we talk. You're happy. But once I open my big trap and tell you how I feel then you get angry with me. Then I spoil your day and get you upset. Get you unhappy. That's why I don't call you or open up to you anymore.. because I expect the same reaction. And I can't handle it. Because I can't handle you angry with me. It hurts.

I need you so much more than you need me. Don't you see??