Rambling!

It's so quiet in this damn house
No one is here beside me
I find myself wondering
Wondering about people I've lost
People I know
People I have yet to meet

I wonder what happened to her
To him.. To us..
I wonder if I'll see them again
I feel like reaching out to the clouds and grabbing hold of them
Hugging them.. to let them know I'm here and they can call me anytime
I know I have my own life and my own worries
I know I may seem busy and side-tracked
But I'm always here
I'm always waiting

I think I need people so much more than they need me
I don't think they realize this
So.. when the people I need get side-tracked by their own lives
Something inside of me screams out to them
"I'm here! I need you! Why can't you see me?!"
It's like I don't understand.. but also, I do.
I understand why and how and all that
I just don't understand how that is more important than me
I will put my life on hold for you, or try my best at least
Why can't you do it for me?
But it doesn't help me saying these things
When all I really need to do is ask for help
ASK. Just ask.
Ask for help, support, love, advice...
But I don't. I keep my mouth shut and I hope someone notices
that my 'I'm fine' is a lie.. I'm hoping someone will turn around and say
'How are you REALLY?'
But they don't. But do I? I wonder if I really do that for my friends..
I'm not sure. And it's scary. Because I want to.


Then I ask myself 'Why?'
That thing I said about me needing people so much more than they need me?
It's true. It's like I want people to need me. I want to feel needed.
Loved. Wanted. I desperately want to mean something to someone.
And I want to hear it. I need to hear it.
I try so hard, and try not to make it too obvious.
I'm thinking maybe I should stop.
See what happens?
I have friends over to my house about 2-3 times a month. Minimum.
I enjoy it SO much. I make dinner and everyone brings some ingredients.
I entertain. We share stories and laughs and 'what's been happening in your life?'
I do this quite a bit. Usually on the spur of the moment.
I love it. I enjoy it. But I don't do it for myself. I do it for them.
I want to get all my friends together. I want them to enjoy each others company.
I want them to laugh and eat and have fun. If I can create that for them...
That's just about all I need. I love it!

But do they appreciate it? Everyone tends to say thank you and see you soon and it was awesome and all that jazz. But do they see that I do it for them? I don't know. Should I care?
Probably not. I really am rather pathetic huh? Whatever.

Okay ... RAMBLING!!!! Hahahahahahaha
(I think I might have misplaced my rational mind tonight...)