I've Realized some things...

I don't know anymore. I feel as if I'm in limbo. I feel as if my whole world has come crashing down but I'm just standing here in the rubble in shock, not realizing what has happened. Not comprehending. I don't know what to do about it. I don't know what caused it. Well... I think Gerhard caused it. But I know it's not just him. It's a whole bunch of things all put together. I've realized a lot of things about myself this past few months. Some good. Some bad. I've really tried to give myself and what I do, more attention. I have made myself think about how I handle certain things and certain situations, if I shouldn't maybe handle it differently and what the outcomes will be, what it will matter etc...

I've realized how much I value honesty. Up to the point of obsession, actually. Is there a point where you have to overlook certain things? Certain lies? I mean, everyone makes mistakes, right? I understand that. I get that. I just have really big problem understand the lies. The reason behind them and why people don't think their lies, and the consequences there of, through. Don't they realize how much it hurts? Or is it just me? I know I have to work on this... I've lost trust in everyone. I've lost trust in people in general. I don't get why I have to (like to) be honest but they don't? How do I overlook this when it just has the habit of popping out at me?? The truth always comes out...

I've realized how much I have to work on my body. I really want to be happy with my body. I really want to be able to wear the things I love and do the things I want... without a second thought! When I'm happy with myself and my body, I will be happier with someone in my life. I will be more comfortable and more self-confident. Unfortunately, I had to leave my Muaythai classes, as my studies were suffering under it. The time just didn't work out for me. But now I've started jogging with a friend of mine. She is extremely patient and supportive of me. She pushes me to my boundaries (I'm not used to jogging okay?!) and makes me feel good about myself. She's so positive!! Exactly what I need! I am already feeling a difference in myself. I have also started eating a high-fibre breakfast every morning and really watching what I eat and when. I have practically stopped smoking, and I'm really staying away from alcohol. (Not that I did any of those in excess, mind you!) I'm quite proud of myself. So Far...

I've realized that I am, indeed, a great friend, but that not everyone necessarily needs me, and I don't necessarily need them. And that I shouldn't expect the same from other people as I give out. Everyone is different and everyone has their own lives, personalities and needs. No one is the same as I am and no one thinks the way I do. I have to accept that. I also have to accept that I am not as important to other people as they are to me. And that it's okay. I have to learn to just let things go. It's easier that way. It hurts less as well.

I've realized that I'm a bit of a perfectionist. I love attention to detail, and I hate it when people don't do things the way I want them done. (Especially at work!) I have to come to terms that not everyone shares in my perfectionism on certain things and that on other things they can be the pain in the ass... as I am with my side of things. (Did that make sense?) Also... some things are just better when you do it yourself. Might save you from getting angry, annoyed or highly irritated. In turn sparing you a bad day.

I've realized that I am a very sensitive and emotional person. I can't stand rejection or when someone hurts me in any way. I can't handle not understanding what I did wrong or how I hurt someone I love. Because for some reason I tend to do that as well. But just like I tend to hurt people I love without realizing it, I have to know that they do the same thing, without realizing it! Most of the time they don't mean to hurt me. Most of the time they don't even know it. Or want it. And that they won't know they hurt me if I don't TELL them. As much as opening my mouth gets me into trouble, it's necessary to talk to the people you love. No one can read your mind. If I don't tell them that what they did really hurt, if I'm not honest about things like that, I am only hurting myself more, and they won't know not to do it again. I bottle things up. It tends to turn into a raging fire of questions inside of me that just eats me from the inside. And I can't stand it. It destroys people. It destroys friendships. (Once again, honesty is everything to me.)

I've realized that I am really having trouble being alone. I feel lonely and isolated. But I'm not. Not really. I have my friends. I have my family. I have my support group. It's my own fault and I know it. I don't talk enough. I don't share enough. But I need to. It just feels like I am burdening other people with irrelevant feelings, happenings and emotions. Things they don't need to know. But that are important to me. So I keep quiet. Hoping to just handle it on my own. Because, really, I don't have words to share how I feel and why I do the things I do. I have to learn to see that there are people who want to be there for me, like I want to be there for them. Through everything. Even the mundane things.

I've realized a lot of things lately. Scary things. Good things. Odd things. Some things I can't put into words and others... well, I tried. It's really important to know one self, huh?! It's really important to explore your own identity...