Where is My OFF/PAUSE Switch?

I'm tired. Again. I don't know how to hold on to Gerhard any longer. I don't know how to hold on to the feelings I have for him anymore... When the feeling of disappointment and heartache is so strong. I can't seem to get over what he did to me. Since the first time he betrayed me, with the sms he sent to his ex-girlfriend Christelle, I've lost trust in him. I've closed myself off to him and I've come to realize why, now. He tried SO hard to win me back. He gave up his so-called 'friends' and he gave me more attention and love. And what do I do?? I throw it back in his face. I don't appreciate it. And I know it.

Thing is, when I got to know him and our feelings for each other blossomed and we started dating, I gave in to him. I let myself trust him because I thought I could. I let myself fall for him. Hard. I gave my everything to him. I could have been the best girlfriend he could ever think of. If he had just stayed that way. If he had made me his number one priority and gone into our relationship honestly and fully. From the beginning. Not once it suited him.

I could have been his everything. I could have given him all he wanted in me. I could have given him the world's attention and love all wrapped together. I could have loved and cherished him for all time. If he had only let me. From the get-go.

But he didn't.

He held back. He wasn't there to catch when I fell. And I fell hard. I fell even harder, back to reality, when he betrayed me. I fell even harder when I realized the lies he had told me, the things he hid away from me. I'm a very honest person. He knew that. I value honesty and integrity. He knew that. What made him think that it would be okay to do what he did? What made ME think it would be okay? In the end?
I thought I could fool myself into starting over with him. I thought I could fall in love with him again and everything would be sunshine and roses. After all, he so much as proved himself to me. In so many ways. But I couldn't fool myself. I see that now. I was holding on by a string but my heart was already detaching itself from him. From us. And that's so unfair. To the both of us. I need healing time. As I always do.

I love him. I miss him. I want to spend time with him. I want to have him in my everyday life. I want to talk to him. I want to see him. I want to touch him. I want to be in his arms. I want to hug him and kiss him as much as I can. Then why did I let go? Because I can't handle it anymore? I don't know. Maybe I'm just not ready for this commitment?

I feel like I have SO much on my plate at the moment. So much to do. So many feelings and emotions crowding my very soul. I need to find my OFF/PAUSE switch. Urgently.