Friendships

I've been thinking of old friends a lot lately.  Too much if you ask me.  Like Bernice and Herman for example.  I don't think I've really spoken about them on here, maybe mentioned them once or twice, because I feel that issues involving people in my life, that are so personal, need to stay personal.  We went through some pretty rough times, big fights and a million lies.  And I've written before how lying affects me.  Affects everyone.  These two people lost many friends and acquintances with the things they did and said.  And after everything, after such a strong friendship and countless instances of doing things just for her, and for them, they just disappeared.  I didn't even get an apology.  And you know what?  I'm a pretty easy person, sort of.  Just apologise.  That's it.  Then we can build a bridge and get on with our lives.  But I guess not everyone feels the way I do... What I do worry about is that if they ever apologise, will I be able to let it all go?  Wouldn't I just want to have an explanation?  A Why?  Yes, I know myself.  Not knowing, not understanding, frustrates me.  More than I'd care to admit.

But you know what?  I miss them.  I really do.  I wonder how they are and where they are.  I wonder if they're happy.  I wonder what happened in their lives.  I guess I'll just have to keep wondering, that's all...

And another friend is Jean-Marie.  Our paths crossed, stayed, and then swerved violently in different directions.  She wasn't who I thought she was.  And her ideas regarding how a friendship 'should be', don't actually compare to my own.  Is that normal?  Is that okay?  How does a friendship survive knowing that the other person is not on the same level as you?

I want people who will stay in my life.  I want people who will be there for me, as I am for them.  Times change, I know.  Situations change and people grow apart.  But it's your choice if you want to leave someone behind.  Like we left each other.  Am I being cliche when I say I'm expecting an apology from her as well?  Long story, but yes, it's necessary to me.

Then again... I keep thinking of this...

And I'm not always sure what to make of it.  Because people's feelings and beliefs get in the way of these wise words.  I mean, I get it, but is it really possible?

I don't know anymore.  I don't know if I'm a good friend anymore.  I mean, I've tried for so, so long to keep everyone happy and to keep everyone... there.  But is it really worth it?  Because once I went through a rough patch and stopped getting everyone together, inviting everyone and checking up on everyone... they just kind of dropped off the face of the earth.  I'll hear from them now and then, but it's few and far between.  It's like they jsut forgot about me.  And they remember me when they really have nothing better to do.  Does that count as friendship?  Or does it mean they just took me granted for so long?