G27

I can’t wait for you any longer.  It just hurts.  I can’t wait for you to sort yourself out, while you just carry on using me for your own pleasure, knowing fully that I can’t resist you or stay away from you.  I can’t wait for you to get over her, while still spending time with you and falling more and more in love with you.  I can’t handle another person asking me about us, and what is happening between us, without having a solid answer.  You don’t want to be friends with benefits, but you treat me that way.  You don’t want to be in a committed relationship, but you still want me there.  You don’t want to be just friends… well, neither do I.

I can’t handle looking into your eyes, and seeing someone else there.  I can’t carry on pretending like everything is okay, when clearly, it’s far from okay.  You treat my like a Queen, you buy me things, you make me coffee, you cuddle me and you hold me, you spend time with me… and you think that should cover it.  All I feel, is used.  All I feel, is like the cow who’s milk is delicious when it’s there, but not delicious enough to buy the damn cow and keep it.  You’d rather just buy things for the cow to make it stay in the same spot.

I know you love me, but not enough.  I know you care for me, but not enough.  I know you want me in your life, but not enough.  It’s just never enough – because you won’t even fight for me.  You won’t even try to keep me in your life.  You just accept it.  And I know that should be the end of it, but it’s not quite… because it doesn’t take the hurt out of my hurt.

I guess I should be kicking myself at this point.  I guess I should just be angry and disappointed in myself, because hey, I allowed it, right?  Right.

Thing is, I don’t think you’ll ever understand.  And that scares me.  You’re in your own little world.  And we are each other’s comfort zone, clearly.  I don’t want to be your comfort zone, your second best, your ‘fall-back’.  I want to be your everything.  That’s it.  Nothing less.  And since you can’t give that to me… well, this is me, leaving.  I’m not a game.  I’m not a second fcuking choice.  I’m not a back-up plan.  I’m not a ‘fall-back’ girl you can go to when you have no one else.  I’m ME.  And there’s only one of me.  I truly hope you see that, and you miss that.

Because, just so you know, I see you.  I know you.  And I will always miss you and love you.  I just really, really need the same from you.