A dark and dreary day it could have been, a funeral procession, heads hung in mourning numbers, a young woman in infinite slumber, buried in rich red velvet and dark mahogany; Her friends and family in agony. They ask: “Why did she want to leave? To go and make us grieve?” The thick grey headstone might have read: Our daughter, forever, we lay her to bed. Then they’d walk away weeping and she’d just be sleeping…
That was the way it could have been, after weeks and months, maybe ten years would go by, and someone would query, “Who was that girl? So young it was eerie, that she would want to die, even before she gave life a try.” or ask, “Think of her mother, what must she feel? Does she still that this is real? Or does she wish her baby will still come home?” Even though now her soul might roam in the wide-open world she needed so severely. Despite the people she hurt so badly…
That was almost the way things turned out, death was the only way to go about. The confusion inside her heart and soul, the pain added to all other hurts – the whole suffering-
that came with the package. All that bottled emotion turned to rage, she found a self-destructive outlet. Her way of screaming, but being quiet enough for no one to hear. Her pain, and all that fear of dying in that grotesque way, wanting to go, needing to stay…
That is not the way things are now, she has learned, and she knows how to feel pain and cry, letting it all go, and float away with the breeze, so she is happier, her mother doesn’t ask “Why?” Her friends don’t wear black, marching by her grave, her family doesn’t weep at the memories they so painstakingly keep. Now, all together they can sit in the sunshine, making new memories and laughing away the time. She loves what life gives her, even if it invokes a tear to form, she is glad to even be here…
Can you believe it? Okay not that you know exactly what's happening anyway. Tough Shit. This is my blog and my shit.
Glitch and I had a long talk last night. And he asked me to help him through our shit as he doesn't want to lose me. He's scared. So am I. It's not like we're fighting or anything. Which is cool. It's more like ... bottling up too much and not being able to handle it anymore. It felt like I was coming undone really quickly this last week especially. We worked out that we probably saw each other 4-5 times in the past month. What kind of a relationship is that? It's nothing. Not to me. My mind wanders at times like that... into all the wrong directions. But in the end... all I want is him. Is that too much to ask.
So I sat there telling him that he must decide what he wants now, because 7 months into our relationship (Yeah I know a lot of you are thinking - What a short relationship - it's short for me so far as well...) I want a commitment out of him. I want to know what's going on with us. Otherwise he must tell me No Further and I can get on with my life. So can he. Thing is, we share best friends. My best friend and his best friend... are engaged. Living together. How odd right? Well I think we can get through it. If he had to leave me.
Anyhoodle... he's decided to 'commit' I guess. He hasn't said it in so many words. But he's asked for my help. I'll help him. I love him. I need him. I'm shitty on my own anyway. And now I'm rambling. So we'll see how this goes... see how far we get this time...
Wish me luck.Wish me patience. Wish me sanity. Wish me Love.
I really do... so what's the problem? Clearly he doesn't melt in mine. Why do woman over-analyze shit that happen to them? I'd love to have that answer because I probably do the same thing. But is it over analyzing or contemplating reality? OMG I'm so confused I wanna run and hide. At least I have a place to run and hide to... just can't get there as often as I'd like... The farm. Mmmmmmm....
Anyhow, as you can see I'm so confused I can't even put into words what's happening in my life. To put it out there - the bf and I are possible on the breaking point of our relationship. We're both just too scared to admit it and end it. Point is, we love each other. We both know that. But there's just some HUGE ASS GAP between us... more like a we're both standing on opposite cliffs and don't know how to bridge the gap. I feel so drained and depressed lately.
I'm sure it won't last long Dear Blog (as there are no readers to 'talk' to it's up to you Dear Blog). I'll get over it like I always do. I'll cry. I'll eat. I shut up. Then I'll pick myself up and carry on. 'Cause there's a lot of different fish in the sea (although I only want one right now, it could change I guess)... and I'll find the right one for me... I'm only almost 21 FFS!!! I've got a lot to do and a lot to learn, and frankly - it's his loss if he doesn't want to run this rat race with me.
(Look at me trying to be all positive and motivating myself...)
This is how I feel today, the author has the perfect words. I am going through a difficult time in my relationship with glitch, for the 3rd time. That can't be normal huh? So this poem is like it could've been at the start of our relationship, as well as now. Weird I know. Just read it. Does anyone relate?
I love you more than life itself But I’m afraid to love. My heart is like the fragile wings Of a tiny little dove.
I'm scared to get too close.
I feel that I can't win.
You'll love me for a little while
Then you'll set me free again.
I've lived so long on hopes and dreams
I don't know what to do.
I don't think I can trust my heart,
For it belongs to you.
I know you'll only hurt me
Yet, I still keep running back.
Between the paths of our hearts
There's a worn and beaten track.
You've got my heart held on a string.
It’s breaking right in two.
Enough belongs to me -to hurt-
The rest belongs to you.
I know that somewhere in your heart
There is a place for me.
I just don't know how to find it
And there's no way to make you see.
I can only hope that someday
You'll wake up and you'll find,
That while my heart belongs to yours,
Yours, too, belongs to mine.
I'm becoming the girl who makes excuses for the guy. I'm becoming the girl who is satisfied with too little. I'm becoming the girl with no confidence. I'm becoming the girl who believes she is just not enough.
I used to be the girl who uplifts 'Her'. I used to be the girl who explains to 'Her' that there are no excuses. I used to be the girl who is always satisfied. By different things. I used to be the girl who tells 'Her' how wonderful she is, how she is ALL THAT, how stupid he is and how she has nothing to worry about. I used to be the girl who had everything going for her. Well, mostly. I used to be the girl who could take on the world with a brave face. I used to be the girl who just didn't give a shit.
I don't know if I can be that girl anymore. I don't know if she's still there. I don't know how much longer my mask will last.
I'm scared of so many things now. Is that what 'Becoming a Woman' feels like? Then I wanna stay a kid. I wanna stay blissfully ignorant. It's always worked for me.
I don't want to become 'Her'. I don't want to give in.
I'm strong enough. I'll get through it like I always do
The days are flying past, getting closer to my birthday. I've organized an awesome party on the 18th of July for my birthday. On the farm. In nature. In winter. In tents. Shame, my poor guests.
*ENTER AT OWN RISK* The party will start at 12 noon on 18 July and carry on 'till the next day of course. The food of the day is 'BiltongPastaPotjie' (Believe me - You WANT this recipe!!). Guests have to bring their own tents, mattresses and bedding if they want to sleep over, or they can rent a chalet close by for around R500, sleeping 4 people in a spacious chalet. There will be a cash shooter bar (ppl bring their own drinks) with cheap shooters for sale, the profit of which I will use as my birthday present. My friends, on who's farm the party will be, built me a Boma for the event! (Bigger than the one in the link though,with a cool bar on one side). It looks absolutely awesome. To me. And obviously that's all that matters. Coz I'm the birthday girl. HAHA!!!
Anyhoodle... so I've been working really hard on getting the invitations out to the guests. There's about 50 odd people invited. But frankly I don't care if I end up with 10 people or whatever, as long as I enjoy it, which I will. With the people I love. Coz I only invited the closest people. Those who actually mean something to me.
We're going to play Boeresport during the afternoon, of course ending up with shooters for the winners. For those who don't know - Boeresport includes games like climbing into a huge bag and jumping to the finish line in it, tying two people's feet together (one foot each of course) and having them run three-legged to the finish line, throwing eggs between eachother and hoping it won't fall, throwing waterballoons at each other and hoping you can catch it nicely, rope pulling...etc. Stupid little games like that, which always turns out to be alotta fun and hysterically funny!! Especially after a couple of drinks! (Personal Note: DEFINITELY keep cameras handy)
Question: So what do you think of the plans and how was your 21st??
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochycooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop, but at the bar ... you know ... they have frozen glasses ...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those horsd'oeuvres that are really delicious ... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
'You want horsd'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different horsd'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey ... At the bar ... You know ...there's swearing, dirty words and all that ...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't fucking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'
I don't care how tired you are. I don't care how lazy you are. I don't care how stressed you are. I don't care how kak your working hours are. Because when I did, it didn't seem to register with you anyway. And now that I don't... well nothing has changed.
Ihate that you say you love me, but don't show it. I hate that I love you so much it hurts. I hate that I think of you so often. I hate that you don't think of me enough. I hate that we don't spend time together. I hate that when we do, you drink. I hate that I don't feel that you love me, although you say you do. I hate that I care so much. I hate that I'm holding on to you. I hate that I can't get myself to let you go, even though I think it would be better for both of us if I do. I hate that I think about shit like that even though I can't stand the thought of losing you.
What is it about woman? We're really futtup you know that?! We're way too complicated and too hard to please. We've got PMS so much the guys can't get used to our normal personalities in the times we don't have PMS. I guess that's why I try not to over react on the small things. I just let it run off me like water off the duck's back. (Did I say that right? Much better in Afrikaans... Haha!) I don't take it out on him. He doesn't even know what he's doing wrong so why start a huge fight with a clueless man? Once I get perspective and I've looked at it from a couple of angles, I'll try my best to talk to him calmly and quietly. Try to get him to understand, while still letting him know I'm not fighting or kakking him out. Not the easiest thing believe me...
But then... why does it hurt so much?! And also... Not?!
Ok I've lost myself... my train of thought... haha! I'll try again later... Gnite then!
I'm the typical girl next door with her own issues just like all the random bloggers out there... I've been blogging since October 2008 on a blog with the same name... Mega Ramblings... I just started over here. So quite frankly I don't give a shit if you follow me or not coz I wanna make this blog about me. I'm so sick of doing everything for everyone else (not that I don't like to, on the contrary, that's just how I am) , I just want something to be about me. Well, sort off. Obviously it's gonna turn out to be about TONS of different things. I hope. We'll see. So there you go... as you can see (read?) I'm very random and I love rambling on. Best of all is - I don't have to make sense to any of you. Not even to myself. I just have talk. Type. Whatever. Good Luck Dear Readers...
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