Change in Progress

This is the end of Mega Ramblings. It saddens me, but I'm not left with much choice. I hope my followers will find me but I can unfortunately not tell you where I'm moving to, but I am definitely carrying on with my blogging. Honestly.

Thank you for all your support and comments.
Feel free to email me on Mega8821@gmail.com.

Dear 'Anonymous',

Who the hell are you?! And what do you want from me?!

Proudly South African

I'm not a soccer fan. I know, blasphemy?! Haha. But the whole of South Africa is geared up for today's kick-off. It's such a big day for us! We have Vuvuzela's, Makaraba's, the Diski Dance, our Bafana Bafana supporters gear and even the little flags all over the cars on every road you drive lately. They have flags waving, they have flags stuck to the side, and they even have flags on the side view mirrors of the cars. It's nuts! The team spirit is high and I am quite proud of our country. We are really coming together with it all.

We had our doubts, like the rest of the world I guess, wondering if we would be ready for today. Wondering if the stadiums would be ready, if the team would be ready and if our tourism structure would be ready. And I really think we made it! It seems everyone is making money out of the world cup and everyone is in high spirits and enjoying themselves. A couple of the rugby supporters aren't too happy though, as the famous Loftus stadium in Pretoria is off limits for anything but the soccer. There are parents who now have kids at home, on a month long holiday, not sure what to do with them. The school curriculums had to be revised, to work around the world cup.

I wonder... what do the tourists think of our country? Whackhead Simpson, on 94.7 Highveld Stereo, had a 'Test the Tourist' day yesterday. It was hilarious! He asked people about facts regarding South Africa and asked them what they think of our country. It sounds positive thus far. Let hope it stays that way. The spirits are high in SA and it's inspiring and amazing how well we stand together and make things happen.

Even the roads are mostly done!! We had a lot of road works done on the major highways, it's been going on for ages now and it's been creating tons and tons of problems, traffic wise. But now - it's awesome!! The roads are so great now, that I get to sleep in an extra hour!! How cool is that?! Traffic is almost non-existent. I really hope it stays this way. Although we're hearing rumours that they are going to continue with the road-works once the World Cup is over. Urgh. Really not necessary guys. Not in my valley at least! LOL

I was very, very skeptical about this whole soccer thing and how it was going to work out. I still am. A bit. I am worried about the crime, especially. Generally, as you most likely know, crime is a huge issue in SA, but now.. it's escalated. Tourists probably won't know this though. We have human trafficking happening to satisfy the tourists! WTF?! What do the tourists (or SA) want to do with little kids?! How fcuktup are people?!

Sorry, freaked out a little there. Yes, crime is bad. But there have been a lot of things put into place to try and control it even more. If only for the tourists. Not cool, for us South Africans, 'cause I mean.. we deserve it too, don't we? But hey, whatever is good for the country is good for the people. Maybe South Africa gets put on the map, bold and bright, or something of the sort.

Laduma!

Just maybe...

So he found me. Whoop-dee-fcuking-doo. Gerhard found my blog... Good thing? Bad thing? I don't know. I'm honest on my blog. To the point of no return. So it should be a good thing, don't you think? It might be good for him to read what I have to say.

He sent me a message this morning. Yes, he still hasn't stopped. At the end of the message, he mentions that he now knows everything and that he has no words. I phoned him. Yes, I know. Stupid me. Turns out he found my little Mega Ramblings space. Whatever. I hope he reads it all. Maybe he learns something. Oh, turns out he created his own blog too. Good for him. I'm really, actually, glad for him. I think it will help him. Talking about your feelings helps. Even if you're talking into outer space. Writing it down... helps. Bit by bit. But it does.

I asked him to please stop what he is doing. He doesn't want to give up. He is so sure that we are meant to be together. Why couldn't he have been so sure from the beginning?! He has changed. A lot. I don't know if I like it though. I just know it's a good thing. A very good thing - for him. I told him that he doesn't make me happy. I told that he upsets me and makes me unhappy. It's true. It's actually scary how true it is. I need him to leave me be. I can't go on with my life and deal with what he did to me if he keeps coming back, wanting to make me happy and trying to 'win me back' in one way or another. I'm not a prize. He wants to start over. From day one. So easy for him to say... not so much for me. And he doesn't get it!!

In the end, he says he wants me to be happy, even if he has to break contact with me. What he doesn't get is... I'm not going to be happy. For a long time to come. Thanks to him. Maybe I don't want to be. Maybe I can't. Maybe I know myself too well and that's what I predict. But maybe, just maybe.. I don't know myself at all and I will finally be okay. Without him. I will finally be able to pick myself up and look the world squarely in the eyes again. Just maybe...

Cheers! *To Hoping.. and a new beginning*

Thoughtful Question #15

I think it is most definitely possible. From personal experience... it is definitely possible. Hiding things from people is probably a good idea, most of the time. But you really have to pick your time right. Some things are better when it's out in the open. Some things are too important to lie about.

I asked Gerhard if his dear friend Keisha was really a friend and nothing else, and he said yes. Lying straight to my face. I guess it's not complete silence but it's also not telling the truth. He kept what they had a secret. He kept quiet about it.

Silence is a lie. Yes. But sometimes silence is golden. There are (obviously) some things some people don't have to know. It might hurt them, offend them, confuse them or make them angry. Most probably the latter. But there is a time and a place for everything.

What do you reckon?

Random Pix

I think I need Help...

Don't you ever give up?! Don't you see that it's soooooo over between us?! Don't you realize that you've done enough? You've complicated my life. You've broken my heart and you've upset the whole inner balance thing that I thought I had going, at some point. You screwed up. You lost me.

I asked Gerhard to leave me alone. I told him that he has to come to terms with the fact that there is no future for us. I don't trust him. At all. I don't respect him. At all. I don't find him attractive. Anymore. I can't seem to forgive and forget and I don't love him. Enough.

He did so much to try and amend what he did to me. He bought me things. He took me places. He made effort for me. He tried to make my life easier and he tried to make me a happier person. He changed, for me. I realize all of this... but it doesn't erase what he did to me. It doesn't erase that he tore me apart. I feel damaged. Bruised. Scared. I feel as if I've lost my will to live and my will to love. I can almost dare to say that I've lost my faith in love. That I'm doubting its existence... But I know it exists. I see it all around me. I see it in my friends. In my family. I see the love they give me and the love they give each other. I feel the love I have for them. It has to exist, right? But love between a man and a woman? I don't know anymore. I know it's there, as I said. I just don't know if it's there for me.

I can't believe I let him do this to me. For one. I can't believe I gave him 100% and he didn't give it back... until it was too late. I'm not second best. I deserve to be first. I deserve to be the only one. I deserve respect. Love. Attention. I know I do. If I can give it out, why can't I receive it back?

Fail after fail after fail. Why am I not good enough?! What did I do wrong?! And why do I have to kiss so many frogs to find my prince?? Maybe I should give up on the damn prince and find myself a nice frog to love? Haha! I don't know anymore. I see myself growing old with my cat. At least he loves and accepts me. I hope.
I try so hard not to be negative. I see the positive in everything and cheer other people up so easily. But, I go about my daily life and I try my best to get through everything and be there for everyone and do everything I want to and need to do... without falling apart. I feel like I'm throwing a pity party and I don't even realize it. And you should know - I hate pity parties! I can't stand feeling this way, yet I can't seem to find the words to express myself.

Did Gerhard do this? Did Nicolas do this? Did Maritz do this? Did any of them do this?! I don't think so. They contributed, yes. They escalated it, yes. But I know the fault lies with me. I know I can deal with it all and I can get through anything.

I just feel like... I need help.

Maybe I do?

Is it even possible for a friend to break your heart?!

I don't understand. Again. Still. I don't understand. I don't understand what I did to deserve how she treated me. I don't understand how she changed so much. I'm flabbergasted. I'm shocked. I'm... hurting.

After all she's done, she invited myself and another friend for coffee at her place. She sent us a very short and sweet SMS inviting us. I was shocked. At first. I really had to think about it. After the way she handled the last 2 months or so, I didn't know how I could handle coffee and small talk with her. When what I really want to do is shake her by her shoulders and ask her "WTF?! I don't understand?!". It took me a day or so but I answered her on behalf of myself and the other friend. We'll be there. Please send directions. She replied with a blunt email containing only the directions to her place. Okay fine. I can... handle that. No feeling. No emotion. No excitement to see us. Nothing of the sort. But... I can handle that. Right?!

JM (other friend) phones me 2 hours before our 'coffee date'. Informs me that I'm not the only one who noticed how cold and forced she made it sound. JM canceled our 'coffee date', from the both of us, as I was too scared (of myself) to go without her.
Without thinking twice (or thinking that she canceled on us a couple of times) we get an SMS back saying that she should have expected this because we didn't bother visiting her for the last month, why would she think we would make an effort to visit her now. Urm... I don't know... Maybe because you forbid us to see you for more than a month? We, unlike you with us, actually wanted to spend time with you.

I was so shocked and flabbergasted by her outburst that I gave her a call myself and asked her if she wanted me to come over for coffee. Then I would make the 'effort', as she so nicely put it. Her reaction? She started yelling at me. She started fighting me. I just got quiet and told her that I don't want to fight, but she carried on. Relentless. And slammed the phone down in my ear. How you slam a cellphone down I really don't know, but she succeeded.

I cracked. I cried. I screamed inside of me. I don't understand?!?!?!

What did I do to deserve this?! After all that she's done I have forgiven her. After all the hurt she caused me and after just plainly not being there as a friend.. I have forgiven her. What I did in comparison?! I don't think it compares.

I miss my friend. I've been missing her for a long time now. But I truly hope she is happy with her boyfriend. For a long time to come. I hope, for her, that her boyfriend can give her everything her heart desires. And even that he will be a good replacement for her friends. I hope that they are happy and well taken care of.

But I also hope she won't put me through all of this again.

When you thought I wasn't looking

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life. When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always talk to, and I learned to trust in Him. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to take care of what we are given. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be. When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up. When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and wanted to say,'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking'

This Made Me SMILE Today

Just a Touch

My mind screamed out "Make love to me"
My body screamed out "Make love to me"
He did more than that
Without a word
Without a thought
He touched, licked, kissed, nibbled, and sucked on places that my body
thought had lost feeling
Passion, Desire, Lust
He knew just what I wanted
From the top of my head to the tip of my toes

I shivered
Cried out
Then fainted

The rush of sensation passed through my body
It made all the tiny hairs stand up on end
Just a touch and all of my feeling came back to me
From just his touch
I fell asleep that night - peaceful
Only to awake the next morning and realize that he was already gone
Just a dream
I don't know; but when he comes back we shall start all over again
and again
and again