I'd really want her so know that, always. There's a lot of people I'd want to say something to, but I think that's the most important things. Otherwise it would be something like "Whoohoo!! Here I go!! What a ride!!" What do you think?
I've been thinking of old friends a lot lately. Too much if you ask me. Like Bernice and Herman for example. I don't think I've really spoken about them on here, maybe mentioned them once or twice, because I feel that issues involving people in my life, that are so personal, need to stay personal. We went through some pretty rough times, big fights and a million lies. And I've written before how lying affects me. Affects everyone. These two people lost many friends and acquintances with the things they did and said. And after everything, after such a strong friendship and countless instances of doing things just for her, and for them, they just disappeared. I didn't even get an apology. And you know what? I'm a pretty easy person, sort of. Just apologise. That's it. Then we can build a bridge and get on with our lives. But I guess not everyone feels the way I do... What I do worry about is that if they ever apologise, will I be able to let it all go? Wouldn't I just want to have an explanation? A Why? Yes, I know myself. Not knowing, not understanding, frustrates me. More than I'd care to admit.
But you know what? I miss them. I really do. I wonder how they are and where they are. I wonder if they're happy. I wonder what happened in their lives. I guess I'll just have to keep wondering, that's all...
And another friend is Jean-Marie. Our paths crossed, stayed, and then swerved violently in different directions. She wasn't who I thought she was. And her ideas regarding how a friendship 'should be', don't actually compare to my own. Is that normal? Is that okay? How does a friendship survive knowing that the other person is not on the same level as you?
I want people who will stay in my life. I want people who will be there for me, as I am for them. Times change, I know. Situations change and people grow apart. But it's your choice if you want to leave someone behind. Like we left each other. Am I being cliche when I say I'm expecting an apology from her as well? Long story, but yes, it's necessary to me.
Then again... I keep thinking of this...
And I'm not always sure what to make of it. Because people's feelings and beliefs get in the way of these wise words. I mean, I get it, but is it really possible?
I don't know anymore. I don't know if I'm a good friend anymore. I mean, I've tried for so, so long to keep everyone happy and to keep everyone... there. But is it really worth it? Because once I went through a rough patch and stopped getting everyone together, inviting everyone and checking up on everyone... they just kind of dropped off the face of the earth. I'll hear from them now and then, but it's few and far between. It's like they jsut forgot about me. And they remember me when they really have nothing better to do. Does that count as friendship? Or does it mean they just took me granted for so long?
I am offended by people judging me. I am offended by rude and obnoxious people. I am offended by people who think they're better than me. I am offended by bad service, wherever I am. I am offended by bad drivers (What's the point?). I am offended by friends who think they can walk all over me, control me, be horrible to me, and still call themselves 'friends'. I am offended by people who never stay in touch. I am offended by people who undermine me, the person I am, the dreams I have and the hobbies/things I love.
Depends on the story behind the haunting I guess. Something peaceful, sure. I think. But something terrifying or something Paranormal Activity? There's no way in hell. I'm not open to things like that so I don't think I would mind as much.
I don't really know... there's been a lot of things people have said that are very sensible. Then again there have been a lot of stupid ones as well. I guess it would be someone saying that they're getting out of a bad situation, and they actually do it. I'm pretty sure that's one of the most sensible things you can say. Except if you go all genuis on me.
I repeatedly try and tell myself it's okay. I tell myself I have an amazing future ahead of me. I tell myself a lot of things, every day. Does that count as 'doing'? I repeatedly stay positive and happy. I repeatedly do my arts and crafts. I repeatedly smile and I'm repeatedly nice to people.
I hope that makes me a good person. I hope, sometimes, that I'm not really just bullsh!tting myself...
The fact that we can hardly cope without the technology of today is a big downside for me. Simple things in life are now dependent on technology and electricity. Have you seen the way people react to power outages? It's ridiculous!
I believe that happiness is absolutely a choice. I know that we encounter hardships, heartbreaks, sadness and abuse in many ways throughout our lives, but I still believe that being sad, being angry and being a terrible person is a choice you make for yourself. It took me a while, it took some maturing and some hardships, but I finally realized it. Being a grumpy old bad is just not worth it. Being vindictive and angry is useless. But showing your kindness, your love and your positive esteem to the world, that is what makes you different. That is what makes you special. Yes, sometimes you have to work harder at it than others, and sometimes you think you're pretending. At the end of the day, the more you bullsh!t yourself into being happy and being positive, the more you start believing that it's true. That's what happened to me.
I used to blame so many other people for my moods and my feelings, but at the end of the day it all depended on me, and me alone. If I allow the bad feelings to come into my life and into my heart, it's my own fault. But if I only allow the happy things, the good things, that is what makes me... Me. Realizing all of this, as confusing as it may seem to you seeing as I'm really bad with putting it into words, has made me a better and more motivated individual. I've been more able and willing to work towards my goals and the things that make me happy. I don't allow people and situations to get me down and I pull through, to a better place.
Like, I've been bitching and moaning about studying for so long and not being able to do it the way I want to, and finally I'm doing it. My way. I've been bitching about money and I've been bitching about getting a new car. In the past 7 months, especially, I've been able to save up and I've bought myself a new car. Okay, I'm paying it off over 72 months, but still. I did it. Me. I've finally created my arts & crafts room and I've gotten uncapped internet at home. I'm doing what I love and I love what I do. I've even succeeded in getting away from all the negative people and negative things in my life. There was so many! Here and there... yes there are still glitches. It's not perfect, far from it. But I can change that and I'm doing it one day at a time.
I wish I could make other people agree with me about this simple, very very simple, fact. But not everyone does. Do you??
A year ago I didn't know how to do the secretarial work I do today. I didn't know how to arrange meetings, do minutes for meetings, work on Microsoft SharePoint or format documents like I do today. A year ago, I didn't know how to manage buying a car. I didn't know how to manage my money and save. I didn't know how beautiful the lowveld of South Africa is and what I am capable of there.
Absolutely nothing. It's practically the only time I zone out on music. Especially because I'm alone. That is, of course, when I'm not listening to Eunice singing on the CD I have of her... then I can't stop thinking about her and the kids and the farm and the memories. Sometimes I think about what I'm going to do for the rest of the day and evening. Sometimes I think of where I can stop over for coffee and check in on a friend or family member.
That's what I like to believe and that's what it will be. I'm fairly certain that if you wish doom and gloom upon yourself, it will happen. But in the same way, if you wish happy things upon yourself, you're sure to find happiness! I just wish more people saw it the same way....
Follow through with an intelligent conversation. Make me laugh and laugh with me. Teach me something new. Respect my likes and dislikes, including things like my arts & crafts and Disney addictions. Even better if that someone is interested and excited about it, almost like I am.
Tease someone about something that cannot be helped. Just tease someone, period. It's rude and it breaks down people's self-esteem. How is that ever a good thing? There are also a lot of different ways of teasing, remember that. And it's almost never good.
Whenever someone I love passes away I realize it more and more. The first I can really remember was a girl in my primary school. We were 12. Then my great-grandmother when I was about 15 or 16 years old. Yeah, I guess I was lucky. After that it was my Grandpa, my 2 year old niece, Eunice and her family. I guess those are just the ones who really hit me the worst.
I feel lucky every single day. I'm alive. I'm happy. I have a job. I have a nice place to live and a comfy bed. I have money to spend and I have a nice car that I'm paying off. I have an amazing family and stunning friends. I have talents. I have a future that I can make my own.
I'm so lucky. And so are you. It would do us all good to remember that. More.
A lot of times, actually. And I don't really care that much for it. People think because I'm quiet at work, and in the past school, that I'm this boring nerdy girl or something. What a stereotype! Yes, I'm serious about my work, schoolwork, professionalism, etc. but that's just it... I work hard and I play hard. If you get to know me I'm a great person and a great friend, and funny to boot! Hehe! People have thought because I feel a certain way about certain things that I'm a certain way, we all do that with people, but at the end of the day it could be the complete opposite of what you think.
As I said, I don't much care for it because if people take the time to get to know and don't judge me, they'd be pleasantly suprised. And if they don't it's their loss.