Jul 30, 2011

Thought Question #196

I have so many, that I have shared a lot of on this blog... how could I know which came first?  I have memories of things I did and things I saw, of things I head and things I felt.  I remember when I was really little, I sneakily watched the Adams Family on the staircase while I was supposed to be in bed, and that I had nightmares for a week about the "the hand" chasing me everywhere.  I remember a guard at our army house in Waterkloof trying to teach me how to swim without those little inflatable 'wings' I had.  I remember walks with my great-grandmother along the shore, going to the cafe to buy Caramello Bears, I remember walking with her in gardens, looking at flowers and listening to her stories.  I remember spending time on the beach with my mom, and my family.  I remember swimming in the 'big sea' with my grandfather, he was so strong he never let me go.  I remember making jokes with my mom and going places with her.  I remember my grandmothers cooking and the millions of things she did for me, too.

There's a lot I remember, I can't really place the earliest ones.

What about you??

Thought Question #195

What a question !  I love so many people !
I love my friends and I love my family, what more could I ask for?

What about you??

Jul 29, 2011

I'm not angry.  I'm disappointed.

My New Chapter

My life is changing, and it's changing fast!  I'm absolutely loving it, though!  After having a fantastic birthday and going for an unexpected interview on my birthday as well... news came just over a week later - that I got the job!! :D

It's the same company my Mom works for, although we won't be working together.  She's in a whole different building, on a whole different project, thank goodness for that.  Otherwise we'll possibly be driving each other nuts.  I'm really, REALLY, really really really excited about it!  Even though I'm scared out of my wits because it's a whole new thing for me.  It's a new environment, new people, new work and new challenges.  Which is a good thing, I know, but that's what happens when you get into a comfort zone in your life.  I'm sad though, leaving my 'old life' behind.  I've been at the company for almost 4 years.  That's a long time, for me.  I've learned a lot and changed a lot.  I've worked really hard and I've fought and won, sometimes I've lost.

The new job offers me a lot more opportunities, challenges and huge learning curves.  I will meet a lot of new people, learn a lot of different things and work my butt off for quite a while, before getting used to the new environment and challenges.

I'm just really glad I'm leaving my current company on a good note, and not a bad one.  There is already someone starting on Monday, to sort of fill my position.  I will be on training mode for the next month, urgh.  Oh well, at least it won't be my problem after I've left here.  I'm a real perfectionist and pain in the ass when it comes to my work, and if someone doesn't perform, I get edgy, really edgy.  I created the systems we're working on and I want it to work successfully, but without people focusing and doing their job right, the system I created will be meaningless.  I follow a strict set of schedules and structures, because of the medical equipment and products we distribute, we need to always know where everything is and where it's heading.  I need to keeps tabs on everything everyone says, to keep myself and the company out of any possible trouble/accusations.  I learned it the hard way, so now the easy way is left to the new girl and my dear 'Second in charge' (who will now be taking my place fully).

The new job I'm heading for entails project secretary work and PSO Administrator (document controller for a mining project).  Wish me luck! May the grass be greener... with no bugs.


Thought Question #194

I will never give up on life and love.

What about you?

Jul 28, 2011

Thought Question #193

Mmmmmmmmm.... I can't really pinpoint anything.  I can't think of anything.  I work hard and efficient and hope to make an impression, and secretly for praise, does that count?  The rest is just me, I guess.

What do you do deliberately, if anything?

Jul 27, 2011

Thought Question #192

The biggest lesson to learn my younger self would be that Life Goes On.  You may think that what you're going through right now is the worst thing ever and you'll never survive it, but you will.  I promise you will.  I would also tell my younger self to take that trip to the seaside with my grandfather, when he was still here.  There is never enough time to spend with loved ones, fight less and love more, it's more important than you'll ever think possible.

What would you tell your younger self?

Jul 26, 2011

Thought Question #191

Drinking a warm cup of coffee or an ice cold glass of water.  Snuggling in bed with my beautiful cat in my arms.  Laughing with friends and family, spending time with people I love.  Watching movies or series, while I'm surrounded by my arts and crafts, and thoroughly enjoying it.  Walking around in a crafts' shop, and being able to pick something to buy.  Painting.  Drawing.  Cuddling with a book, and disappearing into a whole other world.  Sitting on the beach, listening and looking at the waves, and digging my toes into the sand.  Taking photographs.  Making things.  Sleeping.  Learning new, and interesting things.  Kissing.  Loving.  Touching and being touched.

There are so many simple pleasures that I might just go on forever.

What are your favorites?

Jul 25, 2011

Thought Question #190

Like butterflies.  And comfort.  And happiness.  Like contentment and care.  Like a cool breeze on a hot summers' day.  Like calm and peacefulness. Not being able to get the smile off your face.  Wanting to hold on to that person, no matter what you go through.  Putting someone else's happiness above your own.  Being brave and fearless, without regret.  Warmth and coziness.  There are a million words to explain the way love feels... where do you really begin?

I don't really know how to explain, I just know that it's worth it.

What does it feel like for you?

Jul 24, 2011

Thought Question #189

I would say the most valuable life lesson I have learned from my Mother is to stay strong and carry on.  That life does get better and that we are independent and strong women.  My Mom has fought long and hard to be where she is today and I am extremely proud of her and thankful for her every single day.  I really, truly wish I could be like her one day, as I look up to her in so many ways.

What did your parents teach you?

Jul 23, 2011

Thought Question #188

People who are rude.  People who undermine and underestimate me.  People who can’t follow the rules of the road, or who can’t drive in general.  People who are generally mean, judgmental and/or degrading to other people.  People who lie.  Lies in general.  People who cheat, steal, rape, murder, etc, and of course the deeds there of.  People who don’t appreciate the small things or the people in their lives.

Why?  Because I have morals and standards, because I have hope and love, and because I can’t imagine doing any of those things myself, and when I do, I hate myself for it.

What about you?

Jul 22, 2011

Thought Question #187

At the moment?  A vast emptiness… surrounded by tons and tons of hopes and dreams.  I take that as a good thing.  No one can predict the future, but you can definitely hope and dream for what you want in the future, and work towards it, or what do you think?

I hope and dream for a beautiful family of my own, with a husband and children who love and appreciate me, for me.  I dream of a cozy house that I can decorate on my own, where family and friends can come to at any time and feel at their most comfortable in.  A place where I can live out my arts and crafts, in a big way, expressing who I am.  Some would say those are wild dreams, but I think it’s definitely a possibility.  I just think you need a lot of patience to wait for things to play out the way they should, with who they should, and I don’t think I’m there yet, but I will be!

What do you see for your future?

Jul 21, 2011

Thought Question #186

How do I pin-point one thing?  I have amazing people in my life and I have amazing readers as well.  Some of the nicest things have included wonderful words of wisdom and advice from friends and loved ones, listening to my rantings and ravings when you probably have something better to do, bringing me cupcakes, presents and beautiful cards on my birthday and people pulling me through the hardest times of my life.

I am blessed beyond words with the wonderful people in my life, therefore some of the nicest things happen to me, on a daily basis!

How about you?

Jul 20, 2011

Thought Question #185

I have absolutely no idea why… I’m not a big sports’ fan myself.  So if someone could help me with this answer?  Because the best I can come up with, is that people idolize them because they wish they could be as good as them.  They put them on this little pedestal because they are so great and so good at what they do, and of course, when they fall off the pedestal and do something ‘out of character’, people go haywire about it.  Shame.

What do you think?

Jul 19, 2011

Oh how I try...


I can’t wait for you any longer.  It just hurts.  I can’t wait for you to sort yourself out, while you just carry on using me for your own pleasure, knowing fully that I can’t resist you or stay away from you.  I can’t wait for you to get over her, while still spending time with you and falling more and more in love with you.  I can’t handle another person asking me about us, and what is happening between us, without having a solid answer.  You don’t want to be friends with benefits, but you treat me that way.  You don’t want to be in a committed relationship, but you still want me there.  You don’t want to be just friends… well, neither do I.

I can’t handle looking into your eyes, and seeing someone else there.  I can’t carry on pretending like everything is okay, when clearly, it’s far from okay.  You treat my like a Queen, you buy me things, you make me coffee, you cuddle me and you hold me, you spend time with me… and you think that should cover it.  All I feel, is used.  All I feel, is like the cow who’s milk is delicious when it’s there, but not delicious enough to buy the damn cow and keep it.  You’d rather just buy things for the cow to make it stay in the same spot.

I know you love me, but not enough.  I know you care for me, but not enough.  I know you want me in your life, but not enough.  It’s just never enough – because you won’t even fight for me.  You won’t even try to keep me in your life.  You just accept it.  And I know that should be the end of it, but it’s not quite… because it doesn’t take the hurt out of my hurt.

I guess I should be kicking myself at this point.  I guess I should just be angry and disappointed in myself, because hey, I allowed it, right?  Right.

Thing is, I don’t think you’ll ever understand.  And that scares me.  You’re in your own little world.  And we are each other’s comfort zone, clearly.  I don’t want to be your comfort zone, your second best, your ‘fall-back’.  I want to be your everything.  That’s it.  Nothing less.  And since you can’t give that to me… well, this is me, leaving.  I’m not a game.  I’m not a second fcuking choice.  I’m not a back-up plan.  I’m not a ‘fall-back’ girl you can go to when you have no one else.  I’m ME.  And there’s only one of me.  I truly hope you see that, and you miss that.

Because, just so you know, I see you.  I know you.  And I will always miss you and love you.  I just really, really need the same from you.

Jul 18, 2011

Please let this be true… because I really want that person.

My 23rd

I had a wonderful birthday thankyouverymuch!

In the light of all things negative, I had a ball of a time.  I went for an interview, it went really well, I think!  I went for lunch and a bit of shopping with my grandma and my niece.  I got home, after my cell phone’s battery died, to a house full of friends ready to do my hair and make-up for my party at Cesco’s (Portuguese Restaurant and Bar) that night.  It was wonderful!  We had a great time at Cesco’s as well.  There was so many people who came to celebrate with me!  Definitely everyone who mattered!  =)

I made little ‘Thanks for Coming’ cards with chocolates attached, for everyone who came.  I think they liked it.  I have caramel vodka shooters to drink and it was super yummy!!  We had platters for everyone and they polished it!  Yay!

The rest of the weekend was spent sleeping, going to Exclusive Books to spend my gift voucher, getting a few art supplies and paying some birthday money towards my new cell phone.  I also got a voucher for a craft shop I love that’s close to home!  Can’t wait to go and spend it!!

I got one of my favorite perfumes from my mom and a friend of ours – Hypnotic Poison.  I got a stunning little silver compact with a rhinestone graphic of a cat on it (and it even came it a pretty box!).  I got bath salts and chocolates, I got money towards my speeding fine and the platters we got at Cesco’s.  I got a memory card for my cell phone.  I got a ton of birthday messages on FB, and every other available platform!  Let’s just say I got spoilt rotten.

Thank you to everyone who made it happen!!

Common Sense vs The Heart

I deserve better. I know that.  So why won’t my heart just listen to my common sense?  I thought I was doing the right thing allowing Gerhard back into my life, for the umpteenth time.  I thought I could help, by taking him to church when he asked me to.  I thought he was sure of what he felt for me.  I thought he was over her.  I was wrong.  As always.  I just wanted to believe in him so badly, I wanted him to want me.  I wanted him to love me.  I wanted him to be sure, like I was.  I shouldn’t have wanted those things.  I shouldn’t have gone with the flow and hoped for the best.  I shouldn’t have even started anything at all.  And once again, I had to make the same decision I have had to make countless times before.  I hope I can stick with it.  I wish I can.  But I know myself too well.

I can’t believe I, once again, allowed myself to get in too deep.  I should have known I couldn’t keep it under control.  I never can, with him.  My friends are so sick of me, so sick of us, they won’t even talk to me about it anymore.  They probably think it’s just my fault, by now.  They probably think it’s just me, letting a good thing go, every time.  They think I should just make a choice and stick with it.  And they’re right.  I know that.

What they don’t see is that I’m not the one who should be making a choice, it’s him.  What they don’t see is the love, that I see in his eyes, for her.  What they don’t see is the way he looks at me, kisses me and touches me, like there’s no care in the world.  What they don’t see, is the way he uses me, but won’t commit to me.  What they don’t see, is the way he talks to other girls and flirts with other girls, and how I am supposed to be okay with it because, after all, we’re not together or anything.  What they don’t see, are the countless people asking me what is going on between us, and I have no idea how to answer them.  What they don’t see is how I cry, and fight and try my heart out, and have nothing to show for it.

I’m here.  He calls me beautiful and wonderful and all that.  Then why?  Why am I not good enough?

I deserve so much more, but I want to settle for that?  I don’t understand it myself.

Jul 14, 2011

Thought Question #184

To try and figure out what I want to study.
To find a way to study what I want.
To better myself in my job and/or find a better job.

Working on my faith, my religion, my beliefs.
 Making, and keeping myself happy.
 Finding the right path in life, for me.

What are you priorities?

Thought Question #183

I hate to admit it but I don't have many resources.  I have my grandmother who wants to pay for my studies, but she wants me to study things that I don't see as my own personal goals.  She, and the family, want me to study things that I don't want to study.  And I'm teriffied of disappointing them.  I am busy trying to look for a bursary of some sort to be able to study full time, if possible.

What resources do you have?

Jul 13, 2011

July is My Month!

It's my birthday in 2 days.  On the 15th.  I can't say I'm really looking forward to it.  Probably because I just don't want to get any older, but hey, sh!t happens, I guess.  We're all going to a Portuguese Pub & Restaurant on Friday Night to celebrate.  There will be platters, and drinks, no cleaning up afterwards, no driving myself around anywhere, no paying for anything (coz I'm the birthday girl you know?!), no messing up my house, and no worrying about how many people to cater for and them not showing up or something of the sort.  Bargain!  All the people who matters will be there for sure!  Except my lovely readers =( ...  but hey, that's the price we pay for being bloggers and being continents apart, huh?  Take Care Lovelies!!


Thought Question #182

I don’t have a favorite song.  I’m not that musical.  A lot of people say that music is their life and that they can’t live without music and of course there are people who know a crap load about music and the people who sing it or make it.  Me?  I’m clueless.  Completely clueless.  You’re lucky if I know the latest songs on the radio, or at least the artists and/or names of those songs.  I’m hopeless where it comes to music.

I think if I had to choose it would be this one, mainly because I would play this on my wedding day.  Other favorites include some of the latest hits, Disney songs some Afrikaans songs too.  I am way too diverse to list them, or even begin to list them, or the artists or sing them.  Sorry.
Do you have a favorite song and why?

Thought Question #181

I wish I could say something in the line of This or That wouldn’t have been invented, or something wouldn’t have happened without me, but I don’t know.  I guess some people wouldn’t have been blessed with my presence in their lives, which sometimes would’ve been a good thing, but mostly a bad thing, I’d like to think.

What about you?

Jul 12, 2011

i blog to express

Thought Question #180

Love.  Friendship.  Strength.  Compassion.  Faith.  Patience.

I think there are a lot of things to list.  What would you add?

Jul 11, 2011

Thought Question #179

But I have so many…

My Natal Holiday in 2010.  The Soccer World Cup vibe in South Africa, also in 2010.  The good times I spent with Gerhard, as well as the silly times and funny times, the romantic times and comfy times.  The good times I spent with Maritz, as well.  The times spent with friends, like having fun on the farm, going to theme parks and going for walks and braai’s at the beautiful nature reserves in our area.  Our Pajama Jam New Years Party 2009/2010.  The various Lasagna Dinners we had at my house, cooking, talking, laughing and playing board games together.  The cakes and cupcakes I baked for friends and the fiasco’s surrounding them.  The cuddling and laughing late at night.

I have so many fond memories.  And I love that!!

What are your fondest memories from the past 3 years?

Jul 10, 2011

Thought Question #178

I have learned that in faith, and in God, anything is possible.  And it has definitely changed the way I live, as well as changed the way I see things, situations, people, and life.  I’m still working on it though.

What have you learned?

Jul 9, 2011

Thought Question #177

I have grown and I have changed.  I have matured and I have learned so much.  I have studied something, at least.  I have helped people.  I have loved.  I have been loved.  I have gotten to know myself in a lot of different ways.

It’s not much, but it makes me proud.

What about you?

Jul 8, 2011


You don't call, you don't text, you don't email, you don't write... nothing.  And I shouldn't even be expecting you to.  Because you know what?  Neither do I.  I can't seem to allow myself to fight for you, or to prove or show to you how much I love you.  I can't seem to allow myself any of that, because I can't allow myself to be second best.

I can't stand looking into your eyes and seeing your love for her.  I can't allow myself to be okay with that, even though she's not a part of your life anymore.  Because, you know, it shouldn't be okay, and I shouldn't have to settle.  Funny thing is, I don't want to fight with you about any of it.  I don't want to have to.  I shouldn't have to complete, as I have in the past.  I'm too tired, anyway.

If you love her, you should be with her.  Or at least try.  But then again, how can you be with someone who doesn't love you back, first and foremost?  I ask myself that question all the time...

In the meantime, I'll still be here.  Helping you, praying with you and for you, and loving you.  I'll still be here to talk and share in your happiness and frustration.  I'll still be here, taking you to church and hoping for the best.  I can't help but wish that you and I could beon the same level, just for once, before it's too late.

Unless it already is...

Thought Question #176

The people I love make it worth it, and who love me.  My hopefully bright future makes it worth it.  Love makes it worth it.  Living, makes it worth it, I think.

What about you?

Jul 7, 2011

Around the World in Many Chats

I just discovered OMEGLE.  Some of you might say "What?!  Only now?!".  Some might say, "What's that?".  And others might say "That's old news already".  Well, I guess I'm old news.  I don't stay up to date with stuff like that.  But this Omegle has caught my attention.  There are so many young people hanging around there, it's amazing.  I've met some interesting people and had some interesting conversations.  What?  =)  It's something to do when work is really, really quiet.  Apart from the millions of others stuff I do, ya know.

I've spoken to people from across the world and it's been great, but honestly?  Do you have any idea how many horny teenagers hang around on Omegle?  Especially girls!  As soon as I say the usual "ASL" thing, and they find out I'm a girl, they simply say "same", and ends the conversation.  I ask another girl about it, she's 15, and she says yeah they're just looking for online sex chats and stuff like that.  It's ridiculous!!  Have you no self-respect?!

Well, I guess if nobody knows who you are, you can get away with it huh?  Still doesn't make it okay.  It's disgusting.  But hey, that goes for guys too.  Some guy started calling me 'his baby' in the 2nd sentence and carried on about sexual stuff and wanting to see me, I seemed to have floored him completely when I went on about him being my mother and me being his baby and how amazing it is that he knew it was me over an online sight and why'd he put me up for adoption, etc.  It was so funny!!  Not for him, I'm guessing.

I had a chat with an American-hating muslim in Islamabad, chatting on Omegle from his donkey, or so he says, and he got to talking about Osama Bin Laden and how good he was for their economy and how everything's going to crap now that he's gone and how the hell the Americans could 'bury' him at sea, etc.  Crazy!  Oh and he didn't believe that I'm from South Africa.  Asked me to prove it by naming a famous South African drummer.  Really now?!  I'm not into music, that much.  I don't know these things.  Well, apparently there's someone called Cobus Potgieter, who's a really famous drummer from SA... go figure, right?  They say you learn something new every day.  I'll be sure to check him out sometime, kthanks.

I spoke to a very nice guy asking me how he can get the girl he likes, we chatted for quite some time and he mailed me afterward.  Seems like it's going great!  Another guy from the UK also seems really nice, will talk to him on Skype sometime.  I got disconnected from a really nice girl in Idaho, Jessika (15), that I really enjoyed talking to, as well.

So, what do you guys think about online chatting on sites like Omegle?


I wish you loved me, the way I love you.  I wish you knew what you wanted.  I wish you could clear your mind and wipre your history.  I wish you could see just what you mean to me, and how great we could be together.  Being with you is what I imagine love to be like.  What I want love to be like.

I can honestly say I have never felt so comfortable, so whole, so beautiful and so special around anyone, as I do when I'm with you.  You make me forget about the way my body looks, you actually make me appreciate myself more.  You make me more confident and relaxed.  You make me feel calm, most of the time.  You make me feel loved, when I'm in your arms.  My favourite place to be.

I wish I could make you feel the same way I do; about me.  But I can't.  I can't make you do anything, and I don't want to.  Sometimes, I don't understand why I'm still hoping for us to be something more.  It seems so hopeless, at times.  But I don't want to lose hope in ou.  I don't want to lose faith.  I know you are a better person than this, but I also know that you still have some way to go, emotionally and spiritually.  I was hoping to help you, but you make it really, really hard sometimes.  I don't know where to begin.

I know that you love me, but I also know that you love her.  I want you to be happy, and if it doesn't involve me than so be it.  I just really, really wish you could make up your mind and be sure about it.  Because this uncertainty... still hurts.

Thought Question #175

That’s a question I wish I could answer
But, yeah, I’m pretty sure it is.

What do you think?

Jul 6, 2011

Thought Question #174

It would be of myself, surrounded by all the people I love, on the beach, having fun and laughing.  Maybe even surrounded by arts and crafts things and all the things I love.  Don’t forget my cat, as well!

What would yours look like?

Jul 5, 2011

Thought Question #173

I would call my loved ones.  My friends and my family.  I would call my Mom, my Grandma, My uncle and my aunt, my nieces and nephews.  I would call my girl friends and my guy friends.  Grietjie, Jean-Marie, Luhandri, Eunice, Shannyn, Rita, Ilze, Arista, Delmei, Edwina, Herman, Jaco, Marieta and Juanita, Marlene, Michelle, Nico, Diederick, Gerhard, Maritz, and maybe even Bernice.

I would make sure they know how much they mean to me and to the world, how important they are.  I would make sure they know how much they are loved.  I would make sure they know how thankful I am for everything they’ve done and everything they’ve been.

I think we should appreciate the people and the blessings in our lives in this same way, every chance we get.  I think it’s important, because you don’t know when your last day will be.  And the people in your life don’t always know the things you would like to tell them in a case like this.

What would you do?

Jul 4, 2011

Thought Question #172

My Mother.  Definitely my Mother.  My Mom has been through so much and life and she’s fought so hard to get to where she is and to take care of me and us.  She is absolutely amazing and she is super, super strong.  She never wants to let anyone see her cry, although I’m sure she does.  She never wants to show a weakness, even though we know she has them.  She is always willing to help her friends and family wherever they, us, need her.  It’s like she’s not afraid of anything.

She is SuperWoman in my eyes.

Who is the strongest person you know?

Jul 3, 2011

Thought Question #171

I would probably have to say the times I’ve been in car accidents.  I swear I’m the local joke between my friends.  I’m a high accident potential.  Sh!t happens TO me, it’s not like I cause it myself.
My first car was written off by a drunk driver, it was absolutely terrifying.  I remember every moment of it.  My second car I got into a bumper basher that wasn’t my fault, and then it got stolen.  My third car, the one I still own, thank goodness, has had problem after problem, after problem.  Not to mention a bumper basher as well, again, not my fault.  One time, the car decided to drive off and speed up, with me in it.  I wasn’t able to slow it down or do much of anything with it, except to steer it in the safest direction, until I finally had the right mind to pull the keys out of the ignition.

Yours, if you care to share?

Jul 2, 2011

Thought Question #170

I guess when it is holding you back, like when it’s making you stay in relationships and situations that are bad for you.  Dysfunctional or abusive situations.  Emotionally draining and untrustworthy situations.  Situations that maintain no future and no well-being for you, yet where you still love that person.

Situations that hurt more than anything else…

I guess we’ve all had that weakness, huh?  And we all wish we could change it for the better, mostly because we believe in the good and happy things of it all.

What would you say?

Jul 1, 2011

Thought Question #169

I want to find love and I want to have a happy family.  I don’t know if that is as much an accomplishment as a want or a need, but that’s just it.  It’s just what I want in my life.  The rest, the success, the art, the achievements, as much I want them, will mean nothing to me, without this.

What do you want to accomplish before you die?