Sep 28, 2010

Sept 6 - Astro Love Match (Funny Stuff!)

Cancer (Me)

and her sexual self

A Cancerian woman aptly reflects the archetype of Mother. By nature she is very caring and nurturing, with an abundance of love and kindness.

It goes without saying that she is an excellent parent. She is very house proud, since her home and family are the most important focal points in her life. She is an excellent cook and is at her happiest preparing meals for her family.

As a water sign, she is sensitive, emotional and vulnerable and has a knack of bringing out other people's protective side. Soft on the inside, she retreats from confrontation and is easily hurt and upset. It may be days, weeks even, before she plucks up the courage to venture out of her shell again.

She is such a wonderful caretaker that you may have to remind her from time to time that, as her partner, you are not one of her brood. Encourage her to take art lessons, since she may neglect her creative side in favour of domestic duties.

Water plays a significant role in her life and you might have to wait your turn as she soaks in the tub. Don't be alarmed if she gets a little crazy around full moon, she is only honouring her mysterious feminine side.

Sagittarius (Maritz)

and his sexual self

The first thing that strikes you about this man, is his positive attitude and his optimism. He always tries to look on the bright side of things and see the silver lining of every dark cloud.

By nature, he is warm and generous, but insists on his freedom to do exactly what he likes. This is not to say that he is irresponsible, but secretively he is afraid he could be missing out on something. He loves to live life to the hilt and yes, he tends to do things in a big way.

Some people may call it exaggeration and going over the top, but he believes in giving everything his best shot.

As a result, he often has many irons in the fire and tends to overstretch himself at times. Fortunately he has abundant energy.

He has a great sense of humour and can indeed be very funny. You have probably realised that you cannot stay cross with him, especially not when he gives you that naughty smile.

He loves to socialise with his mates and is always the last to leave the party. Remind him gently of the consequences of his excesses, but then again does he not spoil you and his children, very lavishly? He means well, even though he can be too honest at times.

Sep 27, 2010

I feel for you

You are my best friend, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I like you. A lot. You interest me. You fascinate me. You make me laugh. You give fantastic advice and you ask for mine. You share your excitement with me and value my support.

You are my best friend, and I wouldn't want it any other way. We wouldn't be good together, in a relationship. I know that, and it's okay. It's better that way. But it doesn't mean I always have to like it though...

Sept 6 - Perfect Storm

He wants to be with me. Only me. He wants to fight for me and live for me. I am his purpose. I am all that he wants. He wants to fight even if I won't.

I guess that is a very good thing?
It's what every girl wants, right? Someone so devoted and sincere? Then why am I hesitating? Why am I doubting him? Doubting us? No. I'm doubting myself. I'm scared I can't reciprocate. I'm scared I can't do, say or mean enough for him. I'm scared I feel... different. I'm scared I can't fight anymore, that I don't want to. I'm scared I give up on him. Us. Myself. I'm scared that in doing that, I'll lose him completely, and that he might have been the one. The only. What I needed in life.

I'm not up to a relationship at the moment. I don't want to get into that box and have all those expectations. I can't handle it. Then why do I expect him to do it? He is my only. I like it that way. I just refuse to have him tell me what to do, how and with who. I hate it.

Am I keeping him on a string? 'Cause I don't know...

Sept 6 - I don't like Mondays


I don't see how anybody can like Mondays. After a weekend, aka 2 days with no work (hopefully), why would you like going back on Monday? Maybe you sniff your socks or something, I don't know. Just keep it to yourself

I had an alright weekend, thank you for asking. Not that you care. Friday night was spent with good friends and good food. Saturday, Maritz and I had a massive fight. Saturday night we went out with friends, just to leave early. All dressed up and nowhere to go. We went home. Sunday I went on a 6km hike with friends in the beautiful nature reserve close to home, got sunburn, had my first swim of the summer and had a braai. I loved it! (Apart from the close-to-migraine-headache that I suffered last night. But it's all good.)

How was your weekend Dear Readers?

Sept 6 - Study Study Study

I finished the Business Administration Management short course that I did. I included Marketing, Principles of Management and Finance & Money Management. It was intense but so worth it. I think I've been bitten by the study bug though. And I'm happy about it. It took me a while! =)

My financial director (The Grandmother) called me in for a 'meeting' last week to discuss my next study move. I did my research and I think I'm returning to the same place I took the BAM course at. The next - an 8 week Logistics Management course. I work in warehousing and logistics at the moment, so it'll be great. I look forward to doing it.

I also found a basic graphic design short course... 10 weeks. It looks really, really interesting. And fun. I told my mom about it and she wants to help me. She wants to help me pay for it. It's not expensive at all. How awesome! I'm slightly excited... I just don't want to jinx myself.

*Holding Thumbs*

UPDATE: I am starting with a BCom Strategic Supply Management in 2011 through Unisa (University of South Africa) distance learning. It's a 3 year degree but I think I'm going to do it over 5 years, as I am also working full-time. I'm super excited about it but in the same breath I'm really scared. I'll just have to make sure I work really, really hard. That's all.

Sept 6 - Frustration

I don't know what to do with Maritz. I don't know how to overlook the shit that I don't like or don't understand in him. I know people have their differences and they work through it, I know I can do it too, I just have to figure out how.

What's the problem? Maritz doesn't have a medical aid at the moment. It frustrates me beyond comprehension! He got a new job not too long ago and didn't even bother asking this new boss about his contract. He didn't bother asking if they share medical aid, UIF, etc. like the previous company. He assumed.

He assumed and he hoped for the best.

WTF?! You can't do that. You have to plan. You have to think. What if something happens to you? Am I just paranoid or is this normal thinking? Now, apparently, he has no medical aid. Thing is, he had medical aid. Where did it go? What happened? They wouldn't just cancel his medical aid without letting him know, would they? They would probably deduct the full scheme amount off of his account alone, seeing as his previous company is (obviously) not paying half anymore.

He assumed it would magically fix itself. Newsflash: This is the real world. You kinda have to do it yourself. His excuse when we spoke about it? He doesn't have time. Bullshit. Yes, bullshit. What about on those days he's off when he sleeps the day away? Or when he goes to a friends house and plays games? See, he does have time. He's just lazy. He procrastinates. But ... this is important! Don't you get it?!

How is it that he is so irresponsible and immature? I hate it.

Vajajay Waxing...

Vajajay Waxing Tips - The things you NEED to know before your next wax appointment...

Schedule your appointment between 3 and 5 p.m if you can go later in the day because pain threshold is the highest at this point in the day.

READ MORE...

Sept 1 - I want to know what I want

I don't know what I want in life. I'm 22 years old, am I supposed to know? I feel like such a child. No, I feel like I'm in limbo. Like I'm somewhere in the middle trying to find my way out, not sure where to go. I miss being a child, yes. I miss being so naive, thinking that life was, in fact, that simple. I miss the innocence and ignorance... but I'm looking forward to my own life! I'm looking forward to doing my own thing, my own way. I'm looking forward to building a life where I'm comfortable, where I learn so many new things, where I'm happy. Sounds easy, right?

Whatever.

I'm 22 and I have no idea what I want to be "when I grow up." I know what I'm interested in. I know what I love doing and what fascinates me. Does that count as "knowing"? I want to work in the film industry. There, I said it.

My dream is to work behind the cameras. I want to do the animation, lighting, special effects etc behind the scenes. I want to do the set design, costume design and even the make-up. What can I say? It's what I love, it's what interests me.

Have I done anything towards reaching that dream?


No, I havent. Not yet, that is.

According to my blunt and honest family, I'll never make it. Yes. Feel the love. According to them it's a very tough and competitive industry to get into. Yes, I know it is. Yes, I know a lot of people don't make it, or don't make money doing it. But don't you think it's a bit unfair to judge me or condemn me before I've even tried?

The reason I mention my family here is because they are the ones funding my studies for me. More accurately - my grandmother. But because of this fact, I cannot choose what I want to study. I mean, I can, just as long as it's in the line of the work I'm in at the moment. Administration. Data capturing. Warehousing. Logistics.

Does any of that sound creative to you?

Not even close. Believe me.
I like what I do. I just don't love what I do. I don't see myself doing this for the rest of my life. I see my spirit dying if I carry on like this. I see my flame burning out, staying where I am. Don't you see? I'm far from being happy. I'm far from being ME.

So my plan behind the plan is this - I'm going to study what I have to study, do what I have to do, to make them happy too. It never hurt to have more on your CV, especially if it's paid for. By studying more, I'll achieve more. By achieving more, I'll earn more. And by earning more, I'll save more.

I'll pay for my own studies. Someday. I'll study what I want, where I want. I'll work hard and I'll do it myself. They say the biggest motivation is when people tell you that you can't do it. I tend to agree. Difference is - I'll do it my way, and on my own time. Good thing. I hope. I think...

Meanwhile... What? How?
I don't know where to go from here. I wish someone had all the answers for me, I wish it was that simple. But it's not. It never is. They don't teach you sh!t like this in school. They don't teach you about life.


Ladies, before you settle...

If a dog were your teacher...

If a dog were your teacher, you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout… run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
And MOST of all… When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by
and nuzzle them gently.


Author Unknown

Courtesy of http://www.homeholidaysfamilyandfun.com

August 24 - the 5 Love Languages

"With more than 30 years of experience as a marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman has heard it all. He has helped couples at every stage of marriage and at pivotal points in their relationships - from those just discovering the joys and trial of marriage to those who are ready to call it quits.

After many years of counseling, Dr. Chapman noticed a pattern: everyone he had every counseled had a "love language", a primary way of expressing and interpreting love. He also discovered that, for whatever reason, people are usually drawn to those who speak a different love language than their own.

Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive - everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages."

  • Words of Affirmation - Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important - hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
  • Quality Time - In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there - with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby - makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
  • Receiving Gifts - Don't mistake this love language for materialism, the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gifts to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous - so would the absence of everyday gestures.
  • Acts of Service - Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibility weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter.
  • Physical Touch - This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face - they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

My Love Language:

  • 7 - Words of Affirmation
  • 11 - Quality Time
  • 4 - Receiving Gifts
  • 5 - Acts of Service
  • 3 - Physical Touch

If you want to check your language of love - GO HERE!!

You're still here

I have to share this piece I found on Le Love...

i'll admit it,
i was lonely,
i needed you then,
i wanted you to help fill those gaps of solitude,
i had no one and you were there,
in the back of my mind,
i saw no future,
i just saw the present,
i was alone and you were there,
you fell in love,
i felt sorry for you,
so i stayed,
i know heartbreak,
wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy,
and still, i was alone but you were there,
wanted to love you so badly,
like the way i once did for him,
yet, those memories of heartache,
have numbed veins that once pumped love,
i hate that you're in love with me,
i hate that i can't be in love with you

i found someone else,
he's what i want,
i'm not alone but i still want him,
and he wants me,
just not as much as i want him,
he needs me for right now,
and i'll take that,
no future in mind,
i've fallen for him,
he revived my heart,
but instead of feeling light,
it feels heavy,
he doesn't love me,

i can't tell you of my infidelity,
it'll hurt you,
and i can't bare the guilt,
besides, i don't want to be lonely,
and, well...
you're still here

by ACH

August 20 - This is what I know

is exactly what I needed today...

This is what I know.
I know God exists. And I know He will always be there.
I know that life is hard but I will never give up. And because of that, I know I have lived my life with grace.
I know that every person I've encountered entered my life for a reason, and had something extraordinary to teach.
I know we need to experience the bitter, i
n order to experience the sweet.
I know that tomorrows are a chance to live yesterdays better.

I know that crying is good for the heart, and hugs are good for the soul.
I know that a life without trials, is merely a life without lessons.
I know that regret is just a six letter word. There are no regrets, there are only lessons learned.
I know life is a form of not being sure, and that is beautiful.
I know that the beauty of life will always overpower the ugly days.
And I know that no matter how many times I am lost, I will always be found.

~Kenna Christensen~

August 20 - Quotes I need to remember

"To err is human, to forgive, divine." - Alexander Pope

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes

"Holding resentment is like eating poison and waiting for the other person to keel over." - Unknown

"A heart filled with anger has no room for love." - Unknown

"I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one." - Henry Ward Beecher

"Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself." - Harriet Nelson

"To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness." - Robert Muller

"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future." - Paul Boese

"To forgive and not to forget is like burying the hatchet with the the handle sticking out." - Unknown

"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were." - Cherie Carter-Scott

"Forgiveness means letting go of the

past." - Gerald Jampolsky

"We may not know how to forgive, and we may not want to forgive; but the very fact we say we are willing to forgive begins the healing practice." - Louise Hay

"Let us forgive each other - only then will we live in peace." - Leo Tolstoy

"There is no love without forgiveness, and there are n

o forgiveness without love." - Bryant H. McGill

"There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness." - Josh Billings

How to forgive & forget when someone has hurt you (Easier said than done)

I found this HERE. Very true. Very insightful.

Dealing with hurt and anger is important and the one who is not able to do so ends up becoming a bitter person. It is more than difficult to forget things and move on, as if nothing has happened, no matter how important it is to do the same. However, holding feelings of resentment can affect your peace of mind and ruin your happiness. Therefore, you can’t afford to let the anger remain within you. Pardoning others and putting a hurtful incident off your mind needs to be worked upon, since it doesn’t come easy. In case you need some help in this regard, we are at your service. Follow the article to find some tips on how to forgive and forget when someone has hurt you.

Forgiving Someone Who Has Hurt You

Forget What Happened

Hostility and bitterness survives in people who find it difficult to forget the past. Moving on in life is the key to forgetting the hurt caused to you, by other people. Stacking up hard feelings for someone who has hurt you will not allow you to bury the hatchet and you will constantly find yourself dwelling on something that cannot be changed now. Live in the present, look forward to the future and bury the bad memories of the past.

Allow Others To Apologize

Sometimes, we are so infuriated and hurt over an incident that we do not allow the other person to buy time and come up with an apology when things cool down. Once you get a heart-felt apology from the person who has hurt you, it becomes easier to forgive him/her. Remind yourself that even you would have hurt others at one point of time, intentionally or unintentionally. Would you want others to hold that against you forever? Allowing others to apologize will save you from becoming bitter to them.

Communicate The Hurt

Rather than holding a grudge and allowing it to thrive, you should communicate your feelings to the one who has hurt you, especially if the person is close to you. Many people tend to keep things to themselves, and it makes them averse to communication. It is important to realize that conversation will allow the other person to offer an explanation for his/her hurtful behavior and help you overcome the same. Therefore, make sure that you do not shut down the lines of communication completely.

Realize That Everyone Is Human

Realize that it is only human to make mistakes and most of us don’t hurt others intentionally, for sadistic reasons. If you can accept this premise, forgiving and forgetting will become a lot more easier. While some people believe that revenge is the sweetest joy, it is important to remember that “the joy of revenge is only for a day, but the glory of forgiving remains forever”. The choice is yours!

Let Time Heal

There are times when the hurt is simply impossible to forget, even after you have forgiven the other person. While moving on is easier said than done, for all the comprehensible reasons, never forget that time is the biggest healer. Bitterness and bad memories pertaining to an incident will fade away with the passage of time. If forgetting a hurtful incident is impossible for you, leave the healing on time. Eventually, you will be able to put it out of your mind.

Sep 22, 2010

I didn't think it was too much to ask, but realistically, it is. Everyone has their heart broken. It's just a way of life. And it won't just happen once, it is likely to happen a million times over. We have to accept it, but it doesn't mean we want to. People change. Memories fade. Friends come and go. Family, hopefully, is forever. Lovers... well that's a whole different story on it's own now isn't it?

August 16 - I know what I want (Alternative Title: Issues)


Society wants us to conform to their norms. 'They' want us to do things a certain way. I don't do well with society, apparently. I don't want to be pressured into being a certain way or doing certain things because 'they' expect it from me, whoever 'they' are. I don't want to conform because it's the 'normal' thing to do. I want to be radically different. I want to be the exception. I want to make things work my way. I want to build trust, without the thought the that I have to. I want to make a relationship and a friendship work because it just does. I don't want to have to work on it. I want to make it happen. Just happen. Naturally.

My Facebook relationship status is 'Single'. His Facebook relationship status is 'Single'. We are 'in a relationship'. Does that make sense to anybody else except me?
Everything is there. The love. The intimacy. The magic. The excitement. It's there. We don't need a superficial Facebook status to make all that happen. We don't need to announce what we have to the world. Just yet. Is that a problem?

I have issues. I have baggage. I admit it. So does he. Less than I do, I guess, but he does. Issues, I've learned, is another way of saying that you know exactly what you want. I have trust issues. I don't want someone I cannot trust with everything in me. I don't want to have to have eyes on the back of my head to be with someone. I don't want to worry, or wonder, or wait. I don't want to have to be controlling, or jealous. I don't want any of the stress that goes with mistrust.

I have body issues. I'm not skinny, by a long shot. I'm not fat either, I guess. Or so they say. I just don't love my body. I hate it. I hate that I can't wear the clothes I want to. I hate that I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I hate that I have no self-control. I hate that I love food, and cooking, and eating yummy things. I know it's my own fault, I know it's a weakness, but it's not like I do nothing. I love jogging, I'm working really hard on it. I love going to the gym, but I don't have the money for it. I eat healthy, I eat (a lot) less. He thinks I'm beautiful. He thinks I'm a Goddess or something. He loves touching me and holding me and looking at me. He loves me just the way I am, or so he says. He thinks I'm so much more beautiful than anyone he can imagine, mostly because I'm real. I'm ME.
Thing is, I know he thinks all that, I know he probably believes it, too. But... I know it's not real. I know that the girl in the mall is thinner than I am. I know his girl friends are pretty and sexy. I know that the girl at the party is fun and sponteous. I know that the girl at his work, or one of his clients, have beautiful breasts that look great in a halterneck top. I know all of this... I'm just waiting for him realize it. I'm so scared of the day that he realizes there is so much better out there, and... you know... leave.

I have confidence, I know I do. But no one seems to realize that most of it is a mask. I'm so good at putting on my mask, that I hardly take it off for myself anymore. Sad much?

I have time issues. I'm a pain in the ass when it comes to being on time and doing things as planned (mostly). Him? He has all the time in the world. Most people do. I don't, usually. Depends what it entails of course. If someone made specific plans with me, or visa versa, I want to stick to the plans and be timely about it too. It's just good manners, don't you think? I know where I get it from though... my millitary up-bringing. That should say a lot about me already. I was raised this way. It's all I know. I'm trying to work on it, though. I really am. I'm trying to relax and I keep reminding myself that the world doesn't revolve around me and my time. The world won't come to an end if I'm late or if things don't happen as planned. If everyone else can get away with it, so can I, right? I don't know about that... yet.

I procrastinate. I hate it. I've mentioned it before, and I hate it. No explanation needed. I'm contradicting myself huh?! Weird.

Point is, I don't want to go barging into a relationship if I'm not ready for it. I want to be sure. 100%. Is that too much to ask? I want to get as close to my fairytale as possible. I want to build a friendship before building a relationship, while being completely honest about my feelings all the way. He knows how I feel about him. He knows what I want and how I want it. I know what he wants too, and I know how he feels. the feeling is mutual, but it doesn't mean that we have to rush into anything! Remember, this is our second time 'round. I want to get it right.

Is it even possible? Am I being selfish? Am I being unreasonable? Am I being unrealistic?

I'm weird like that

I really, really, really really really ... want a room like this. Yes, I'm weird like that.

August 12 - I like, I love and I want


I also want to make one of these. It looks like so much fun and I love playing with card stock like this. I want to make one of my own with my own likes, loves and wants. Separately perhaps. I wonder what I would add though...

I like / love
  • My family
  • My friends
  • Blogging
  • My camera
  • A good book
  • Cuddling
  • Pictures
  • Sketching
  • My cat, Mega
  • Music
  • Tattoos
  • My bed
  • Color
  • Home-cooked meals
  • Chocolate
  • Cookies & Cheese
  • The Beach
  • Water
  • The moon
  • The sunlight
  • Nature
  • Memories
  • Hugs & Kisses
  • Warm cups of coffee
  • Children
  • Creating with abandon
  • Arts & Crafts
  • Helping people
  • Naps
  • Looking at the stars by night and clouds by day
  • Fruit
  • Hearing my grandma's stories
  • Rain, and the smell of rain
  • The smell of a just-sharpened pencil
I want / need
  • A GHD hairstyler
  • A holiday home
  • Financial freedom
  • My own home
  • A new car
  • More time
  • More soul searching
  • A shrink
  • To travel
  • A new, challenging job
  • New skills
  • Art supplies
  • A real man

Snoopy was right!

Why can't we just get together all the people in the world that we really like? And then stay together? I guess that wouldn't work though. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. And then we'd have to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. I know what I need. I need more hellos. - Snoopy

August 11 - Time is a B!tch



Don't you think this would be ideal? I feel like I have so much that I have to do and so much that I want to do, that sleeping is such a waste of time that could be productively spent. Don't get me wrong... I'm one of those rare people that love my sleep so much that it's very easy for me to fall asleep one way or another. I am able to get in bed, even if I'm not tired, and be able to fall asleep pretty quickly. It's even easier when I read, I don't get past the first couple of pages before I'm lights out. I like it that way, I do, but... haven't you ever wanted more TIME?!

I get tired really easily. I love taking naps. I love being utterly lazy. And I hate it all at the same time. I hate being so useless. I hate not doing something productive, fun, adventurous or spontaneous. I hate being restless. Most of the time I am. I procrastinate a lot, too. I hate it, but I can't help it. It just happens. Sort of. . . Urrmmmm yeah. . .

Time is a B!tch

August 6 - Broken Pieces


I try to do the best I can. I really do. But maybe my best isn't good enough. I try to be a nice person, I try to help other people. I try to be the best friend, the good daughter, the perfect granddaughter, the awesome girl in your life. I try to keep myself sane. I try to work hard, study hard and play hard. I try to keep other people happy, as well as myself. It's harder than I thought. It's difficult. It's frustrating. It's not as rewarding or appreciated as I would like it to be.

Yes, that's right, I would like to be appreciated. I would like to hear what I did right and that you noticed it and that it was good. I would like to hear a 'Thank you for being a good friend' or 'Thank you for your help'. And I want to really mean it. I don't have to do the things I do. I want to. I want to be a good person. I want to be the friend you can call at 3am when you're in trouble or just need a shoulder to cry on. I want to be the one you can be proud of. I want you to share your worries, your happiness, your likes and your dislikes with me. I want you to want me in your life. I want to make you happy. I want to make you smile and laugh. I revel in the joy that your joy brings me. I bask in the joy it brings me to bring you happiness.

Don't take advantage of me or go out to use me or hurt me. I trust easily, but I hurt easily too. You destroy me with your harsh words and broken promises. You break off pieces of me and step on it. I will never be the same again. I will be scarred and broken and shattered. It takes so long to fix me. It takes a lot of love, attention, affection and soft words, to fix me. But no one has ever really bothered. No one has ever really listened. No one has ever really noticed...

I need you more than you need me.

I will never say it out loud, but it's true. I'm broken. Used. In pieces. I have no clue how to put myself back together and I have no idea where to even start picking up the pieces. There are so many people out there who have pieces of me, I tend to give it freely. They probably don't even know it. They probably forgot...


August 6 - Online Dating and Stuff

My dear friend Shannyn, who lives in Amanzimtoti where we went on holiday, just registered me on a dating site! South African Cupid.com or something of the sort. I can't believe it, I'm ... I'm. ... What am I?! Annoyed. Curious. Freaked out. Shocked. I have never been on a dating site before! Seems like nice people are registered there though. Maybe I'll meet some nice people?
I hope so. I'm so scared I come across a freak or something. Well, maybe not a freak, just someone I obviously wouldn't want in my life. I have my standards okay?!

I met a guy through the evil that is Facebook. He apparently found me on an application called Zingles. He's not the only one. I tried searching for it - Not Found. Weird? I think so. Yesterday, we finally chatted for the first time since introducing ourselves. Turns out he just got out of prison in February, where he spent 2 years for his 5 year heroin addiction. Now, he's living with his boss and his boss' girlfriend, working from home selling timeshare for holiday accommodation. Strange much? I reckon.

I'm not sure what to do with that over shared information. He seems like a nice enough guy but there's something mentally not okay with him. The way he talks to me is... for a lack of a better description - Strange. Weird. Annoying. He's a full 8 years older than I am but I don't see it like that at all. He doesn't seem grown-up and responsible. He seems socially awkward and dysfunctional. He seems lonely and frustrated. He seems desperate. All qualities that don't appeal to me. And never will.
Am I a mean person? Should I just give him a chance and go out for drinks and get to know him IRL? I don't know. It makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it. That can't be good.

Another guy who also found me on 'Zingles' seems real nice and I can have a decent conversation with him. He works as a driving license instructor and has his mom living him him. Or so he says. He also seems socially awkward and dysfunctional. He seems lonely and frustrated. He seems desperate. Do I attract them like magnets somehow?! I don't get it.

My standards are high. I don't see that as a bad thing.

UPDATE: SouthAfricanCupid.com is up to sh!t according to me and I have since deleted that profile and gone to OkCupid.com, a site that has pleasantly surprised me for the most part. I actually have a get-to-know-each-other date tomorrow night (5 Oct) already, and have met some interesting people.

August 5 - Give me advice?!

I work with X and Y. Y is married with 2 small children. X is much younger than Y, single and quite pretty. X and Y have been spending a lot of time together at work. Y makes X coffee all day long. They meet each other in the kitchen often. We have recently snooped out that they chat on the phone all through the day (they work 2 offices apart!) and that they chat on their computers, with each other, all through the day as well. We have also snooped out that they email each other and delete the emails afterward. One particular day, Y didn't properly delete his emails and an office colleague snooped out that X and Y have been flirting profusely. There was talk of kissing. X asked Y if his wife will find out and how she'll react, being mad and wanting to kill her or something. Y replied to X saying "Fuck my wife".

So that is the short and sweet version of it. I don't know what to do about it. Myself and Lynette, who works with me as well, are thinking of emailing his wife from an anonymous email and telling her all about it, or hinting towards it. There's that, or we confront the both of them, or just one of them. Or we could even anonymously email X and Y and get them paranoid or threaten them or something.

I can't tell you how wrong I feel it is. He is in a monogamous relationship. Obviously. If it was an open relationship, sure - go for it. Not my business. But his poor wife... and the children!!

I'm torn. Any advice?

August 5 - He's like a drug to me... My own personal brand of Heroin

I don't know what it is about him. He's so addictive. I miss him. I want him. I've had him. I have him. I don't know how to handle it all, but I'm trying. It's scary to just give it up. It's scary to just let go. It's scary to just give in.

I know I like him. I know I love him. Have been for 4 years now. Then why can't I just give in? I know he likes me. I know he loves me. Have been for 4 years now. Then why can't he just give in?
We're not in a relationship. But we might as well be. Everything is there. The time we spend together. The things we do for each other. The excitement. The love. The kissing. The touching. The intimacy. All of it. I trust him. I think. I don't trust all the people in his life. The friends. The girls.

I'm trying. I see it as... I don't want to go into a relationship without knowing what I want and need, without all the trust, with all the issues and baggage I have. I want to go into a relationship knowing that it's exactly what I want and that I'm ready. I want to know that I trust that person and that we know what we want from each other and from our relationship. What we expect...
Am I asking too much?

August 2 - July Natal Holdiay 2010 Part Three

My Birthday (15 July)

Probably the worst birthday of my life. That I can recall. I still can't believe it turned out the way it did. It feels like I didn't get a year older because I didn't celebrate it at all, it was horrible. Just horrible.
We were supposed to go to uShaka Marine World for my birthday. Spend the day there. See the shipwreck aquarium. See the dolphin show and the seal show. Go on the water rides and slides. Have a cocktail. Take lots of pictures. Relax.
Yeah well... why did I ever think anything would go as planned?! It's when you have expectations that you get disappointed like I did.

My birthday started early, as I had to get to the bank to beg some random woman for my own money. All our petrol money was in my garage card and some of our holiday spending money was in my cheque account - which, obviously, I can't use because I don't have the cards for it anymore. I had to arrange an overdraft on my account, with a temporary debit card, and rely on money my mother transferred to Maritz' account, to save our asses and to pay for the broken window to be fixed.

After arguing with the bank for a couple of hours, we headed to Durban Central to get the car's new window installed.. At least we got to eat lunch at McDonald's, waiting for PG Glass to finish with the window, which took an hour and a half.

By the time we left PG Glass, it was 1pm. I was so upset I could cry, but decided on still going to uShaka Marine World and trying to make the most of what's left of my birthday. We went and paid for a Combo to gain access to the aquarium, the marine world and the Wet & Wild Waterpark altogether.

The Aquarium was awesome! The place looks like an old shipwreck out of a movie, on the inside. The tanks are beautiful and so well taken care o f. The fish and the sea life is absolutely mind-blowing! With all the colors and the plants and the sharks and the fish, I didn't know where to look and where to go. We took tons of pictures and the natural lighting in the aquariums were astounding. I figured out, for the first time, how funky my camera is! The settings are awesome and I never knew it before this holiday, how dumb of me! Hahahahahaha!

But of course... good things must come to an end. Sooner rather than later, for me. We walked out of the Aquarium at 3pm that afternoon, on our way to the dolphin show and the rest of uShaka, when the bank phoned me to tell me that I have to get to a branch close to where I am so that I can sign a piece of paper to confirm the overdraft that I asked for that morning because it was confirmed by the bank, and if I want it within 24hours I have to get there before half past three that day. Which gave me half an hour to drive around like a mad woman in Central Durban, looking for any sign of a Standard Bank br anch. WTF?!?!?!

uShaka Marine World closed at 5pm. It's a 15 minute drive from the bank to uShaka. I finally left the bank (thanks to their shitty service) at fifteen minutes past four. Got in the car, and cried. I cried like a child who got her candy taken from her or something. I cried, and I sank down into my chair and told Maritz to just take me home. I was so upset. I was so angry. I was so sad.

My birthday was ruined. We went back to where we stayed in Amanzimtoti and spent the night watching movies and cuddling.

The silver lining - Hiberdene SAPS (The Police) ph oned me the night of my birthday to inform me that they found some important belongings of mine. My ID Document. My passport. My license. My bank cards. Some odd business cards and shop account cards. My JEAN!! I was SO happy I could scream!

The next day, Friday the 16th, we drove 80km out of our way to pick up my things in Hiberdene, and headed for home after that. 711km later, one tank o f petrol and a car that hardly made it all the way there... we were safely back in... Reality.

All in all - It was a great holiday. Maritz and I had tons of fun, I got to see my friend who moved away and we took lots of fun photo's. The weather was great and I got to spend time by and in the ocean....

July 30 - July Natal Holiday Part Two

July 14

Wednesday I let Maritz sleep in for a while, and woke him up later for a road trip. I wasn't sure where we were headed but we were planning on ending up in Margate that night, so we hit the road at around 11am and took a drive down the South Coast of Kwazulu-Natal, starting at Amanzimtoti of course. We
turned left at every off ramp we could find, as every one of them headed straight for the beach. We parked the car, had a stroll on the beach, played and climbed around on the rocks and took photo's along the way.

At one specific beach (Ifafa, if I remember correctly) we spent quite a bit of time, as we went for a swim as well. It was a very quiet beach, with fishermen on the rocks in the distance. We had a great time playing on the rocks and taking photo's, as we were half inhebriated by that time as well. Finally, along Ifafa beach, we found a tidal pool, where the waves wash in o
nly at high tide and during low tide it's like our own little private pool.
I was wearing my (favorite) jeans, bikini bottoms, a bra and a T-Shirt top. He was wearing his swimming shorts and a T-Shirt. As we ended up swimming in the tidal pool... I ended up getting half-way undressed. I didn't want to wet my bra okay?! =) But it was so much fun! We played around like children... and more!

When we got back to the car I had to get dressed in a different pair of pants, as I didn't want to wet my jeans before we went partying that night (my bikini bottoms were wet from the swim and we had no towels), I also put on a black tank top that was really comfy... and off we went to the next place of interest!

We had a lot of fun, sang really loudly along with the music in the car and laughed our stomach's sore!

At Hibberdene, a small town along the coast, we stopped to use the bathroom and made a quick stop by the beach, and I mean - a really quick stop (The beach wasn't interesting at all). And you know when you make a really quick stop you tend to leave things in the car because "you're going to be so quick"? Yeah... whatever.

We were quick, yes. We left the stuff in the car, yes. We were robbed, yes.

Handbag stolen. Wallet stolen. Garage card stolen. Cheque card stolen. ID Document stolen. Passport stolen. License stolen. Maritz' brand new sandals stolen. The cigarettes stolen. My JEANS stolen. (I mean honestly?! WTF?! Ladies Jeans?!) Side window broken.

GPS not stolen. Cellphones not stolen. Maritz' wallet not stolen. Maritz' clothes not stolen. Gift bags with gifts, behind the seat, not stolen. Etc Etc Etc.

It was a fast move. I know it was. We drove around looking for any suspects, as the area is really not that big at all, but found nothing. Maritz even got out of the car at one stage and found a black couple going at it in their car, unexpectedly. So... the rest of the precious daylight was spent at the police station getting a statement to prove that I have absolutely no identification whatsoever etc etc etc. Try explaining that to the bank... (Yes I stopped all my cards as well).

At dusk, we ended up driving straight through some of the most beautiful towns and past some gorgeous beaches, just because we couldn't stop and get out anywhere, leaving the now-windowless car unattended. You can imagine how upset I was... Because I'd rather not got there now.

We ended up in Margate, as planned, where we parked our car in a safe place (thanks to Maritz' friend) and went for drinks at Johnny Rockets. We ended up spending the rest of the night there, where they decided to get me as drunk as they can, on a budget, so that I can relax and forget about being robbed. Good plan? Yeah well... It was fun and we met some really random, really nice, people.
Of course, we had to drive back 100km to Amanzimtoti that same night because our money for accommodation was stolen in the process too.


July 28 - July Natal Holiday Part One

July 10

Myself and my ex-boyfriend friend went to Kwazulu-Natal for a whole week, over my birthday, to celebrate and to relax. We both desperately needed some time away, and seeing as we've been spending a lot of time together rekindling the flame, getting along as awesome as always, we decided to put our money together and go on a mini vacation. We slept over in Pietermaritzburg on our first night, visiting a friend I hadn't seen in 8 years. We (obviously) couldn't stop talking from the moment we got there, two girls who haven't seen each other in years have a lot to catch up on! And she is now married with a baby so there's even more to talk about. Poor Maritz (the friend) hardly got a word in sideways! LQTM!

July 11

The following day, Sunday, was spent mostly lazying about. We left for Amanzimtoti, Natal, at around 13H00 that afternoon, where we spent the rest of the week at a close friend's house. Although we had to sleep on a couch-bed in the living room the whole week, we still enjoyed it. It was great seeing my friend, she is engaged, they have a 9 month old baby, and they decided about 4 months ago to pack up their things and relocate. She moved about 600km's away from me. We still talk often enough but we used to spend so much time together before she moved that we tend to miss each other, a lot. The first night we got there, after relaxing and catching up for a while, we went out to watch the last soccer game of 2010. Sad times. LQTM! (Can't believe Spain won?!)

July 12

On Monday, we just stopped by the shops quickly, got something to eat and went straight back to the couch-bed to watch movies. Useless! =D Hehe!

July 13

Tuesday was spent with my friend Shannyn (the girl we were visiting and who was so kind as to give us free 'accommodation' for the week - she finally got off work), her daughter (9month old Teneal) and Maritz, going to shops and of course going to my favorite place in the world, Umdloti, just for the plain fact that I grew up there and that some of my best childhood memories were made there.
We had so much fun on the beach, which is a miracl
e because it's actually winter in South Africa. The Natal coast has awesome weather! We climbed over the rocks and took some random pictures, camera stuck to us of course, played around on the rocks, on the beach and in the waves.
Later that day we drove through Durban and went to visit a friend of my grandmother before we headed home. It was so nice seeing her! (I've known her my whole life).

That night, we just went out for dinner at RJ's around the corner. Romantic. Quiet. Fun. Just Maritz and I. I loved it!