Jan 27, 2010
10 Words you need to stop misspelling...
Why I'd rather be punched in the testicles than call Customer Service...
17 Things worth knowing about your Cat...
10 Things you need to stop Tweeting about...
FaceSpace - If Facebook and MySpace merged...
How to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you...
The 6 Phases of a Tapeworms Life...
Jan 26, 2010
Go check it out HERE
I want to cry but I won't
I want to be happy and smile
But I just sit here with sadness for a while.
I know if I hold in my tears it would be words,
But I'll hold it in with all my force.
I want to take my anger out but I stay quiet,
I want to throw things and start my own riot.
My passion is music and writing,
instead of throwing things crying or fighting.
Maybe I'll show my tears, just maybe.
NO! I'm a strong woman not a baby!
You ALL hurt me but I'll show no fear,
By the time you know it I will be gone forever,
Not just for 1 year.
I can't show you that I'm sad, I can't give you that pleasure.
But it's hard to hold this all in with all this pressure.
KARMA will get you for all the pain.
I will LAUGH once you hold your head down for all your shame.
Holding my tears back has caused ANGER & HATE,
but you would never make it up.
It's too late.
I will show you my agony, pain and anger.
And you will ask me 'Why?'
It's because you didn't LET ME CRY...
The author is Erika Aleman. Not me. But wow. How expressive. And true.
It made me think. I hate it when that happens. Sounds strange huh? I shouldn't think okay? As I've said before, I have a Pandora's Box in my mind where I store sh!t that's not important. And sh!t that is. Sh!t I can't handle. Sh!t I don't want to think about. I'm a very good liar. I lie to myself all the time. I'm not good at lying to the people I love though. It's like they can see right through me. But lying to myself is rather easy. Am I talking in circles? Yeah, probably.
Thing is... it just feels like I want to cry. I want to let it all out. I want to open Pandora's Box and let everything out. Deal with everything. Feel everything. Take care of everything. Do everything. Say everything.
But I can't. I have to be strong.
If not for me, for everyone else.
So I hold it all back. I stash it away. Sometimes I have to work really hard to close that damn box, but I succeed... eventually. Sooner rather than later. Usually. Doesn't help though. I guess I have to invest in a bigger box?
Baby I've got this crazy idea I just can't get out of my head.
You know I've thought about it quite a bit, and I just have to say,
I'll regret it for the rest of time, if I'm not your wife one day.
I know it sounds absurd, and I know I'm awfully young,
but what we've got is out of this world and I can't stop what has begun.
I have these visions in my head of growing old together,
and I promise I'll stay true to you no matter what the weather.
I think you are my perfect match I never thought I'd find,
April 21st there you were and how I wished that you were mine.
I couldn't bear to spend all my days without you by my side,
my life's a rollercoaster but I need you on the ride.
I promise I'll clean the house every day and cook dinner for you too,
I'll sing the kids to sleep and do all there is to do.
I'll make you smile when you frown, listen to what you have to say,
I'll be good just wait and see I'll prove myself one day.
I think Pablo and Sheleesia are a match that's made to be,
We'll be like Buzz and Woody if you do this one thing for me.
Make my dreams come true, you'll call me yours, I'll call you mine.
Jan 21, 2010
What's most disturbing is... this dream has made me think of him. It's made me think of him with rose colored glasses on again. It's made me think of the good times, the fun times, the romantic times and the crazy times. I can't remember the dream exactly but I recall something about being at his house. But outside. And I'm pretty sure I was with another guy. Not sure who though. And as this guy pushed me down on the ground, or a bed or something of the sort, and pushed my head back to kiss me in the neck... I was staring straight at him. Through a window. But not just him, his mom and dad as well. I really like his mom and dad. I'm really sad he screwed that up for me. I would have loved to still visit them. But after he freaked out on me... haven't I told that story yet? I should. Soon.
Anyway... after he saw me he came outside and tried to take me away. And I walked away with him. Willingly. I walked away with him and we just... walked. We talked a lot. Like old times. We laughed. Made jokes. Bullied each other. We were just so comfortable together. And every time he touched me I felt those familiar fireworks we had...
Okay now I feel like a cheater.
I'm over him. I know I am. I don't want him back. I'm ... pretty sure... of that. I think it's just the comfort zone I was in that I miss. I guess. The old times. The good times. But in the end... the bad times outweighed the good times.
Is it true that you can't ever stop loving someone? I mean, if you stop loving someone, maybe you never loved that person to begin with. I don't think love every disappears. It just evolves. Or fades. But never truly goes away. I guess I must have loved Glitch. 9 months is enough for me to love someone. And his family. He (they) were my world for quite some time. And I wouldn't change that for anything. But now... memories are rushing back. Old feelings are coming alive. And I'm pushing them down left, right and center. Is it because the BF and I aren't sunshine and roses at the moment? Could be I guess. But I hate it. I want it gone.
Jan 19, 2010
I know I'm naive and don't know what's out there and what trauma's people can go through, because frankly, I've been blessed abundantly in my life. But don't think that I haven't also had my hardships. That I haven't also been 'traumatized' in my life. I have issues. I have problems. And I guess it would benefit me to see a psychiatrist or someone like that but I really don't want to. (And I blog right??) I suppress my problems and get over my own sh!t. Pandora's Box. I've mentioned it before. Works wonderfully by the way.
It's not worth it. Believe me.
All you're doing is missing out on life. Missing out on what is out there. What you can do. What you can see. What you can experience and what you can learn. The world is amazing and the people out there are amazing. You just have to open your eyes. And not the eyes on your face necessarily. Your heart. Your mind. Your senses.
Lure positivity to you... Have you heard of that? That if you're negative and you stay negative... all the negativity will follow you and you will attract more and more bad things and bad luck. That's why I don't get why people actually ask "WHY?!" ... when they're the ones who lured it to them in the first place. No one else to blame.
I know there are a lot of good people out there that a lot of bad things happen to. I know a lot of people didn't go looking for it. And I know there are VERY bad things in this world. But why stare into those things like a brick wall? Things happen. People change. Situations develop. And you learn something out of all of it to become a better person.
'GOD WILL NOT BRING YOU TO IT IF YOU CANNOT GET THROUGH IT'
Did I quote that right? Quite sure I did. Think about it.. if God throws you off a cliff. . . it's not all bad. It might look like it at the time and it might be terrifying or you might panic. But if you open your eyes and relax you'll realize that He gave you wings. You just have to open them up and fly. And if all else fails... He's standing at the bottom waiting to catch you.
It's never as bad as it seems.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Every rainbow has a pot of gold.
If only we could have some sort of warning huh? Most of the time we do. We're just too lovestruck and blind to notice it. Some warnings are subtle, some warnings are huge. Either way, we don't see them until it's too late.
I do hope I'm not blind. Again. I'm so sick of being blind to love games and real problems. I'm sick of being second best. I AM good enough. No, I'm even better than that. I'm awesome. And it's not my fault. (Don't get me wrong I know I have my faults I know how to take responsibility for my blame). It's them who can't handle me.
Why is that?
Is it a common thing for men to want attention ALL.THE.TIME?!
Is it that hard for men to understand that there are, in fact, other people in my life? Other people who deserve just as much (if not more) attention, love and time as he does. Other people who need me. Friends. Family. Co-workers. Is it that hard for men to understand that I do, in fact, work when I'm at the office? I don't sit around waiting for a text from him or try and contact him as much as I possibly can.
I have NO.PATIENCE. for Pity Parties. None. Zilch. Nada. Nothing. Be a man. Grow up. Stand up for yourself and be independent. You're not a 6 year old boy for goodness sake you're 26!!
I feel like screaming. I feel like running. Ready... Steady... GO!! Away from here. Away from him. Not a good thing I assure you. He's pushing me away by clinging to me. He wants more attention. He wants more love. He wants more texts. He wants more phone calls. He wants more time. And I don't know how to give it to him!!
NEWSFLASH : Even if I DO love you...
My world does not revolve around you!
That doesn't mean I don't think about him all the time. That doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with him and see him as much as I can. That doesn't mean he is of any less value in my life. I am a strong girl. I am independent and I have a life outside of my relationship. Which I think is very healthy. Thing is, I don't think he has that. That can't be good right?
We sorted out our sh!t with the whole Christell issue. I think he got a big scare. Good. I don't know how I'm going to trust him again like I used to. As a friend says... A relationship is like a 3 legged pot. Every leg on the pot means something - Love, Honesty & Trust. If one leg breaks, the pot falls down. It can't stay upright. And you have to fix it damn well quickly I guess! It'll take time, I know, but I believe in second chances. I believe that what happened doesn't change the person he is. His qualities and his ways. It just changes the situation. The trust. The honesty. It makes a person wonder. And that's never good. See, I can forgive, but I know I won't ever forget.
There I trailed off my subject. Again. Oops. Whatever.
I'm just so frustrated right now! I don't know what to say to him and I am in no mood (ever) to coochie coo lovie dovie anybody. I'm not his mother. I'm not his babysitter. I am ME. I am all that I want to be and I like that I have found who I am and what I want. I don't have time to make some ELSE feel better. I do it all the time and I try my very best. Especially with him. I can't do more than that. And I don't need negative people in my life either. They just drag me down with them. Why would I want that?
Where do I go from here?
Jan 18, 2010
Jan 15, 2010
Recipe & Instructions:
2 ounces butter
1 cup onions, thinly sliced
1 apple, peeled, diced
2 pounds chopped cooked beef
2 bread slices soaked in milk
2 tablespoons curry powder
1/2 cup raisins
2 tablespoons slivered almonds
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon turmeric
6 bay leaves
1/2 cup whole milk
Melt the butter in a saucepan. Add the onions and sauté for 5 minutes, then add the apple dice and cook for another minute. Add the chopped beef and combine. Squeeze out the excess milk from the bread slices, then tear up and add to pot. Add the curry powder, raisins, almonds, lemon juice, egg, and turmeric, and stir well.
Place mixture in a greased 9 x 13" baking dish. Place bay leaves vertically in the casserole. Bake at 325 degrees F for 40 minutes, then remove from the oven. Mix together the egg and milk, then pour it over the Bobotie. Bake for 15 more minutes. Remove bay leaves before serving.
Yes Ladies & Gentlemen... I made my first Bobotie. On my own. With no help. Without a just-about-ready-made box with instructions. =D Bobotie is a very Afrikaans dish over here and a specialty in our house when I was growing up. As well as a bunch of other dishes I'm yet to perfect. I am now on a roll to teach myself how to cook proper food. I mean, I can cook, don't get me wrong, I'm great with a lot of different dishes, but dishes like these are all new to me... I'm getting there okay!
A friend of mine got to my house for dinner telling me that she doesn't eat Bobotie, but she'd taste it for my sake. That same friend - Went back for THIRDS!! So yes, I'm proud of myself.
But... we talked. We sorted our sh!t out. I told her, honestly, what's bothering me and she explained herself. At the end of the day it's miscommunication and I'm able to admit that at least. Thing is... too much has happened. Too many wrongs that can't be set right. Our friendship will never be the same again. And surprisingly.. sadly.. I'm fine with that. Life moves on. Things change. Circumstances change. I still love her dearly, don't get me wrong. We just won't be as close as we once were.. again.
Anyway, she came to visit. I made dinner. (I'll brag about that later!). And we sat talking... and talking... and talking. It was nice! And she even left the baby with her Fiance. For the first time. Cool. Point of the post... She told me about Glitch. As they are still friends. Or, well, her fiance and Glitch are still friends.
She told me how much he's been drinking since we've broken up. I mean, HELLO, newsflash! He was drinking like a fish while we were dating. It's no wonder he continued. He doesn't have a girlfriend to tell him to slow down anymore.
She told me how he has gone through 3 girls since we've broken up. Not to mention the one night stands. Not that she's sure there was any. Which I'm quite sure there wasn't. Just sayin'.
She told me how he's not over the trauma of the accident we came across while we were dating. I'm not sure if I posted it on my blog, but we came across rather a horrific accident where 2 people were killed. It was that same night that he cut his fingers on glass and didn't know what he had touched after he got the cuts. We had to go the emergency room for tests, for fear of Aids or other viruses. A (very) rough time followed but we pulled through with MY strength and Patience. Yes. Mine. Anyway, clearly I got through it better than he did. Leigh told me how depressed he gets when he drinks and that all he can talk about is that accident. And me. And that they think he has to go for counseling. I totally agree.
That brings me to the last one... Apparently he needs counseling... To get over ME?! Is it just me or does that just not sounds right?? HE left ME, didn't he? HE didn't want to see ME, right?!
Leigh tells me he talks about me a lot. Especially when he's drunk. When he's honest. She thinks I'm the best girlfriend that he's ever had and he's angry that he screwed it up. Yeah well... TAKE THAT ASSHOLE!!
I know I'm mean... but haven't you ever wanted a guy to realize what he lost when he lost you?? I have. And it's happened a couple of times. Believe me, it has. Now that I think back. It's just that... you hope it happens when you still think he's All That. Which I don't. I'm SO over him. I mean, he's a great guy and everything and I truly wish him all the best and a happy life... but... I just don't feel I can be a part of it. And I'm okay with that. (Finally).
I (now) have the self-confidence to know and say that yes, I was a great girlfriend to Glitch. Yes, I was a great girlfriend to a couple of guys in my past. But they were just not good enough for me. It just wasn't meant to be. But still, I will never regret any of it. It's true what they say hey... I have truly learned something out of every shitty situation in my life. And it's made me stronger. It's made me better. It's made me who I am. I know that now. =D
Jan 14, 2010
So many memories are hidden between
The sheets of my soul, the pages of
My life all crumpled up.
Times erased from my memory, times
Forgotten. Sometimes it’s a good thing,
You do it without realizing it, you push
It into that black hole somewhere.
Never to be returned again, except from
Lost segments of thought that takes you
Back there unintentionally.
Confusing you, confusing me.
Times erased, lost.
Good times, sad times.
Emotions and people, gone.
I hate it! I want to remember!
It’s as if a piece of me has gone into
That black hole, a piece that should have
Stayed whole but was torn apart a long
Time ago. Times gone by, erased.
Gone forever? I think not…
Author: Maryke Pretorius
Bad idea. Very bad idea. I'm like a blood hound and I don't even do it on purpose. I don't know what it is about lying... but you just can't lie to me. Well unless you're really good of course. I won't say it's impossible. It's just that... I always figure it out. It's not like I go looking for the truth because I think you lied to me, the truth just happens to fall into my lap and then I realize that ... 'Hey, that's not what you told me.'
Why do people lie? To protect other people? To hide their dirty little secrets? To make a situation seem less... hard? Less painful? Less... anything?
Face it, everybody lies. Everybody lies about something. But it's the big things that matter most. The big things that hurt most. And what most people don't understand is that... it's harder on a person to find out the truth at a later stage, than them knowing as soon as possible, dealing with it, maybe being pissed for an hour or two, and then working through it and getting over it. Most people don't realize that it hurts so much more to find out later. To find out that that person has been lying to you for ages now. Has been hiding something for you. That you've (possibly) been making a fool of yourself all this time or that you are so damn naive.
Why not just be honest? What are you scared of?
Okay Okay I know there are millions of reasons for lying. Like you don't want to get into trouble for example. But those lies vary from white lies to full on This-could-destroy-our-lives-if-you-find-out lies. I know we are all just human. But ... why do we hurt each other like this? All the time? Over and over again?
Don't worry, nothing is wrong with me and my relationship at the moment. Anymore. I'm just ranting and rambling again. About something that matter to me a lot of course.
What about you?
Jan 13, 2010
The view out my front door. I live in a town house complex. Looks strange in panoramic. But you get the idea. I hope.
(The bottom half of...) My bedroom in disarray quite a while ago.
Yes, I live with my Mom.
Yes, I love living with my mom.
It's always just been my mom and I, I don't have a Dad.
Have I mentioned that before?
Yes, my mom might just as well be my best friend.
Yes, I like it that way.
And yes... I have every intention of moving out and finding my own place. I have hit the "Nest Making" Stage of my life. Good or bad? Weird? Too young?
I don't know. Whatever.
You remember The Love of My Life - Mega...?
And Mogwai... My mom's cat. (Who passed away)?
Well now today I present to you - Matchka!
The newest addition to our little family. She's quirky and cheeky with an attitude to match. She doesn't stand back for anything and has a mouth bigger than you can even imagine. She just can't keep quiet!! Except when she's 'really busy' or sleeping of course =D Apparently Matchka means 'Cat' in Hungarian. Not sure. Not gonna look it up. It sounds nice and it's keeping with the 'M' theme in our family. I'm not complaining.
Of course Mega wasn't too impressed with this little sh!t invading his Kingdom, as you can imagine. And I was in deep trouble if I gave her attention and he knew about it. So I just left it. She's so definitely my mom's cat. Hehe! And I like it that way.
My Cat (Mega) is still the most Gorgeous one I would say! =D