July 8 - Friends with Benefits

I like him. I know I do. I love him. Still. We've been spending a lot of time together. I invite him to parties with me and spending time with friends. He knows everyone. Everyone knows him. Everyone likes him. We didn't separate because there was something wrong between us. We separated because I was full of sh!t. Yes, I can admit it. I was bored. I wasn't happy. Things had become monotonous between us. I had some growing up to do I guess. And some exploring. I wanted to meet new people and learn new things. See new things. Feel new things. I was selfish. I was horrible. I broke his heart. I hurt myself, but I hurt him so much more. He turned to alcohol and parties and other women. He had affairs. One night stands. Met tons of new people. New girls. He had relationships, that fell apart. I had relationships, that fell apart.

He still thinks I'm the one for him. He still loves me and cares for me deeply. Very flattering. Very... pursuasive. But I promised myself that I would hold back this time. I promised myself that I would really know what I was getting myself into. I want myself, and him, whoever it's going to be, to know what I want in a relationship, what I expect, what I don't want and where I see my future going. Our future going. I want complete honesty.

One of those 'honesty' things... is that I get jealous. I hide it very well, but I'm already jealous. I'm jealous of all the girls he has in his life at the moment. We talk, okay. We talk a lot. We share a lot. We're comfortable with each other. I know that most of the girls in his life have a crush on him, but then... why am I jealous when he's sitting there with me, holding me, wanting me, spending time with me, and not with them? I'm insecure. I know I am. I know I'm not perfect and I'm scared he figures it out. I'm scared that there really IS someone so much better than me, in his eyes, although he swears to the contrary. Love is blind, isn't it? Strange how our emotions can control us so much? I have my moments that I want to yell out to the world 'I love him! I want him! I'm his!' - or something like that. Then there are the other moments when he says something to me, shares his feelings or whatever, that I actually sit there and think 'Whatever! I bet you say that to all the girls!'. Will that ever go away? I know it's unfair towards him, and that I can't expect the worst from him just because I expected it from others. How do I change?

Should I just stay friends? With or without benefits? Haha! Or just give it time?